My Heaven Journey

Moved

2010-08-20T16:47:00.002+08:00

http://counting-thedays.tumblr.com/

败者

2010-08-16T22:49:00.002+08:00

我心里还是藏着那像逃避的心理
很不想面对自己
照着镜子就好像看见一个陌生人

上学让我自己对自己越来越没有信心
感觉上自己好像一个败者
一个学生的本分也没有办法把它做好
大人都已经走过这个过程了，他们都可以做到，但我不行
心里直常常有放弃的念头
自己好没用

自己很想做一个能够让生变骄傲的学生，但有心无力阿。。。
这感觉有时很无奈
我不知该怎么做
自己已经尽全力了吗？
我又做到最好吗？我又白自己所有的心思放进去吗？
我的最好是到什么程度？

以前在小学，我从来都没有这种感觉
成绩虽不好，但永远不会觉得自己没用
我怀恋，怀恋以前的时光
我想回到从前
我想要回那幼儿般的天真于单纯

当自己越长越大时，发现这世界越来越不简单
这世界已经不能容许简单的快乐
要与时间赛跑
有时自己也不再是自己了

我只是想做回自己
想做一个平凡的人
我想拥有平凡与简单的快乐

Who am i?

2010-08-15T14:45:00.002+08:00

There is so much about life that is unreal and dreamlike.
Moments come when we find ourselves asking the questions like 'Who am i?', 'What is life all about?', 'Why am i here?'

I feel so small and insignificant and wonder deep down if I matter. In the eyes of the state I am just a number, one among many millions. How can i be of any importance?

I look in the mirror and am sometimes startled by the stranger who seems to be staring back at me.

I am alive, I must be. I go to school, I talk to people, I eat, I go to bed and sleep, and then wake up the next day. It all suddenly seems so pointless and empty. Time rushes by. Birthdays come and go and I wonder where the years have gone.

Where do I fit in all this? I seem to be going nowhere fast.

The universe is so cast. The endlessness of space is so frightening. Even our Earth looks a mere speck as we hear of starts and galaxies millions of light years away. Yet here on Earth for the first time in human history we have the ability to blow it and everything in it to pieces. The whole thing seems like a sick and senseless joke.

I go to the funeral of someone I know, killed on the road. I hear of a friend struck down with cancer in the prime of life and I suddenly thought, 'that could be me.'

Most of the time I try to sweep all these thoughts away as I slip back on to the merry-go-round of life with all its passing attractions.

But the fears and aches and uncertainties will not go away. All the time they are still lurking just below the surface.

All i want is to be happy. As long as I have a home, a family and friends, and enough money to do what i like when i like - life is good. I'm fine.
But deep down I know these things do not satisfy. I try to shut from our minds everything unpleasant. We don't want to look too closely at ourselves for fear of what I might find out. And so the days and weeks and years of my life drift by with ever increasing speed.Then some tragedy strikes.
The happiness I long for vanishes like the morning mist.

《雨季》

2010-08-11T17:59:00.000+08:00

Went to watch《雨季》
Was dead tired, cause we watched until 11 plus pm.
It was really really good.
The lyrics of the songs.
The band.
The singers.
The story.
The whole play.
IT WAS REALLY REALLY GREAT!

I missed 《天冷》
Really want to catch it.
Guess it will be as great!

http://www.toyfactory.com.sg/joolma/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=117&Itemid=98

just take a lil' effort

2010-08-08T21:31:00.001+08:00

It just take a lil' effort.
a lil' of your sincerity.

i need a hug.
D:

觉得自己是多么的渺小

2010-08-07T21:47:00.003+08:00

Feeling very very lethargic these few days.
Guess i over stress myself.
And too tired.
Feeling unwell these few days.
My head is pounding, really badly today.
I puked.
And it sucks when you're sick and you mum tell you that you are troublesome.
Cause you puked on the floor and she has to mop the floor.
Nah.
It just sucks.

想了很久
发现自己是多么的渺小
我看透了自己
我需要的是一个能让我依靠的
我太渺小了
我太弱了
我需要一个依靠

1st appt @ SGH

2010-08-05T21:48:00.004+08:00

Didn't go school today.
Went to SGH instead.
Yeah, hand surgery department.
THEY ARE REALLY SLOW!
I booked an appointment, to get the queue number, and wait more -.-
What's the point of booking appointment?!
Things were...fine, i guess.
Doctor says the same thing over and over again.
Yes' there may be a lump.
Yes' it might me lying on the nerve.
Yes' it causes pressured nerves.
Heard that many many times.
Waiting for the next appointment date for ultra scanning and conduction nerve test then we will know the next step.
Troublesomeeeee!
SGH IS SO FARRRRRRRRRRRR!

/I'm learning to...

逃

2010-08-02T22:26:00.002+08:00

突然间好像自己生病
自己很矛盾吧？
我想逃
逃你
逃他
逃自己
逃学校
逃功课
逃老师
逃这个世界
因为我已经不知如何去面对了

nothing's gonna change my love for you

2010-08-01T20:28:00.001+08:00

NOTHING'S GONNA CHANGE MY LOVE FOR YOU
If I had to live my life without you near me
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long
With you I see forever oh so clearly
I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong
Our dreams are young
And we both know they'll take us
Where we want to go

Hold me now
Touch me now
I don't want to live without you

Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I'll never ask for more than your love

Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought know by now how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through
But nothing's gonna change my love for you
If the road ahead is not so easy,
Our love will lead the way for us
Like a guiding star
I'll be there for you if you should need me
You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are
So come with me and share the view
I'll help you see forever too

/I was too naive to think that it's gonna end like a fairy tale. I couldn't believe my eyes, and tried to convince myself that it was a dream. I was wrong. I was just too naive...

failed.

2010-07-31T22:44:00.004+08:00

It's pointless.
Life is going so fast.
And yet, I am just running at the back and catching up.
It's tiring.
Very...
I'm tired.
Breaking down.
Hard to move on.

/Are you giving me the clue to break up with you?
Why is breaking up always coming out from your mouth when things happen?
Even if you dont say break up, the meaning is there.
If you want, just do it.
It's just a short period of time
And i feel that i have enough of it.
Im broken...

我已经不知道了

2010-07-29T21:38:00.002+08:00

是我自己不愿意牺牲吗？
问题到底在哪里？
请告诉我如何行。
我不知道自己要的是什么。
乱透了。

今天不懂怎么搞的。
心情烂透了。
有那迷失的感觉

Stressssssss!

2010-07-28T16:30:00.002+08:00

I'm exhausted, drained, worn out, tuckered out , bushed , beat. need a break.

School is so tiring.
Oh dear, it's just Wednesday.
It's been very stressful.
Test, after test, after test, and still test.
No, not so simple.
With homeworks, assignments, remedials, projects.
OH WHATEVER!
They are so sick!
Too many things to do, too little time...

Tend to hate my physics teacher more and more.
Thinking about how he punished me for nothing.
He didn't even apologize to me. Not at all.
PFFFFT.
Don't dare to face the music when he made a mistake? DOG!
I just can't get this over my mind.
Everytime when i see his face, i just can't tahan it, and can't make myself concentrate.
CRAP!This is so not good for me.

Oh sigh.
Positive attitude!
I'll try.
Or maybe, FML!

/你给于我的温暖有如咖啡，令人回味无穷

chemistry chemistry chemistry, DIE!

2010-07-27T23:42:00.002+08:00

Add dilute hydrochloric acid. Pass the gas given off into sodium carbonate.
Effervescence is observed. Gas given off forms white precipitate in sodium carbonate. Carbon dioxide gas is given off.

Add dilute nitric acid and then sliver nitrate solution.
A white precipitate of sliver chloride is formed.

Add dilute nitric acid and then sliver nitrate solution.
A yellow precipitate of sliver iodide is formed.

Add dilute sodium hydroxide. Then add a piece of aluminium foil. Warm the mixture. Use moist red litmus paper to test for the gas.
Moist red litmus paper turns blue. Ammonia gas is given off.

Add dilute nitric acid and then barium nitrate solution.
A white precipitate of barium sulfate is formed.

Hydrogen, colourless, odourless. Place a lighted splint at the mouth of the test-tube.Light split is extinguished with a 'pop' sound.

Oxygen, colourless, odourless. Place a glowing splint into the test-tube. The glowing splint rekindled.

Carbon dioxide, colourless, odourless. Bubble gas into limewater. A white precipitate is formed.

Chlorine, greenish-yellow, pungent smell. Place a moist blue litmus paper at the mouth of the test-tube. Moist blue litmus paper turns blue, and then bleached.

Sulfur dioxide, colourless, pungent smell. Place a piece of filter paper soaked in orange dischromate (VI) at the mouth of the test-tube. The orange dischromate (VI) will turn green.

Ammonia, colourless, pungent smell. Place a piece of moist red litmus paper at the mouth of the test-tube. Moist red litmus paper turns blue!

不能放弃

2010-07-25T20:22:00.003+08:00

很努力的高速自己不能放弃.
我到最后一分钟,我还是会走下去.
不管有多困难,我知我行.
就让时间去调整一切.
不管我怎么行,这是不可能顺顺利利的.
要有风波,才能让它更精彩.
没有了不快乐,我怎能知道如何去珍惜快乐?

/仰望.交托.信心.

I ain't happy, am i?

2010-07-24T21:09:00.002+08:00

Am I happy?
If I am given a choice, would I want to change this life, or to continue living it?
There are too many things which causes this to be unhappy.
Is it me?
It is the people?
Or is it the environment?
This world is just too sinful......

/I ain't happy, am I?

too much to do, too little time.

2010-07-24T00:37:00.002+08:00

Weekend is here!
Seems like time is going to go really fast over the weekend.
Too much to do, too little time.
Coming week will be a stressful one, i guess
Tests are coming up this week.
Gotto do well.
Yeah. stress.
sigh..

/I wont let anyone down this time round.

drained

2010-07-22T23:10:00.001+08:00

Shag.
Drained.
Feeling tired.mentally.
Guess the week is long.
Needa have a good rest.
Hope will be fine.

/feel that i let everybody down.
Feels like a failure.
Sigh...

work hard on weekdays to get good weekends.

2010-07-21T22:31:00.000+08:00

Tired..
It's just Wednesday.
CRAP!
Two more days to weekend, and i am looking forward to it.
Gonna be hardworking on the weekdays to get good weekends.
It's just like us working hard during the term to get a great term break...

distracted.

2010-07-20T23:19:00.003+08:00

I am very distracted nowadays.
I keep forgetting things.
Losing my focus.
Lost.
Confused.
Please guide me along.
Struggling hard.
I need strength.
I want to get back the old me.

生活的考验就是要带着笑容去面对困难，而克服它

MC~

2010-07-19T16:32:00.000+08:00

Guess what? I'm on MC again.....
The last time i was on MC was two weeks ago.
._.
Something is really not right this morning.
Just pray for better health!

You raise me up.

2010-07-16T21:15:00.003+08:00

YOU RAISE ME UP

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up, to more than I can be

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up, to more than I can be

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up, to more than I can be

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up, to more than I can be

Fragile.

2010-07-16T21:13:00.003+08:00

Labelled 'FRAGILE'
Once broken, considered sold.
You took my <3 away
You are suppose to buy be, and keep me with you
Cause there's a hole there.

*randomness*

sigh.

2010-07-15T22:35:00.002+08:00

Friendships?
Comments?
acquaintance?
Relationships?

I'm confused.
I get so troubled.
Comments, can cause 'wars' between two parties.
Facebook--troublemaker.

The unheard.

2010-07-14T00:00:00.002+08:00

I'm sad, but no one knows why.
I'm scared, but no one understands.
I'm depressed, but no one feels it.
My mind feels so unorganized.
I'm lost.
I can't find my thoughts.
What's wrong with me?

I've been down lately.
Things happens.
I screwed my o level oral.
I got into trouble with teachers, for them being unreasonable.
Mum is solving it for me.
I feel so sorry.

I can't explain why.
But my heart just feels so heavy.
It's God's silence.
I don't understand God's plan for me, as for now.
Maybe, i just need to look on the brighter side.
For i know God's plan for me will be the best.

Guess this is all.
I pray.

Pace of life

2010-07-12T18:05:00.003+08:00

I want to go around the world.
To look at the birds, the seas, the beach, the sun, the skies, the stars, the moon, the flowers, the trees, the leaves, the tiles, the floor, the architects, the eagles, the kangaroos, the pigs, the elephants....
I just want to go around the world.
To look at it.
To slow down the pace of life.
To experience the different things.
To make life more thrilling.
To enjoy life...
Life seems to tiring here.
It's just too fast.

活得很累,我走不下去了....

capture every moments of life.

2010-07-11T18:44:00.002+08:00

No matter how many pictures we take when we go to any places.
The feeling we had when we saw the things with our own eyes, cannot be brought out.
Photography is to help us refresh our memories, but we can never get back the feelings through looking at the photos.
Once it's forgotten, it's gone.
The feelings can never be felt again.
I don't want to lose them.
I locked them deep down in my heart, that it will never run away from me.
I hold my fist tightly, in order for it not to fly out.
I can't bear to lose them.
I can't....

yes,or no?

2010-07-11T00:11:00.002+08:00

Yes, or no?
I dont know.
I want to give myself an answer as well.
I just got a feeling that i shouldnt.

Hanh on, dream on, move on!

complicated ;X

2010-07-10T22:55:00.002+08:00

It was a slack week for me.
Monday was youth day.
Tuesday, lessons as per normal.
Wednesday, had chemistry lessons and i went home.
Thursday, and Friday MC.
A simple week, which keeps me thinking...
My body have not been performing well lately.
My nose always bleed.
My hand has got problems too.
My eyes are...weird.
I get giddy easily.
I..don't know what's wrong.
Low blood pressure?
Over stressed?
Too unhappy till my body has problems?
I don't know.
I live my life, by faith, everyday.
Praying hard, for God's guidance everyday.
For i know God's plan is the best.
There are always truth in every circumstances God place me.
A lesson of faith from God?
I just hope and pray hard that everything will get better.
I can't wish for more.
But i just want to be healthier, and happier.

O level chinese oral on monday.
Praying really hard that i will do well.
And yes, that my voice will be good on monday.
and not to be too nervous ;X
GOSH! I AM SCARED!
Haah! I just need to face it, somehow, somewhat.

What did you do to my heart, which makes me sooooo confused?
Return me my heart, oh please.

Learning to breathe

2010-07-04T20:34:00.003+08:00

i’m learning to breathe. i’m learning to crawl. I’m learning that you and you alone could break my fall. i’m living again. awake and alive. i’m dying to breathe in these abundant skies. in these abundant skies.

Don’t wake me cause I’m dreaming
Of angels on the moon
You can tell me about your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to, when no one’s left to take your side

THINGS DON’T ALWAYS WORK OUT THE WAY THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO. I GUESS IF ITS MEANT TO BE, THINGS WILL ALWAYS FIND A WAY. AND EVEN IF IT DOESN’T, YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE MY HEART.

SMILEEEEEEEEEE! *slaps*

what i get a home, is a dung of shit.

2010-07-03T22:45:00.001+08:00

Home?
Guess it's a place, where most people should enjoy the most.
A place where we will never dread to go back.
A place where we know that it is best for us.
A place where no where can replace it.
I used to think it that way.
I always liked to be at home.
I never fail to think about home when i was in school, in camps, or anywhere else.
But it's changed.
It sucks, it just simply sucks to be at home.
What i get is a dung of shit.
It's damn unfair.
Probably, people will just tell me that life is never fair.
But isn't it that we should put in the effort to make life as fair as possible because it's never fair?

I had blur eye sight.
I need a change of spectacles.
Mum was the one who insisted.
Now, it's called 'I waste money'
Sis got DSLR, when she could loan it from school
It's called 'must have, investment'
Sis can come home late.
I can't
We both go to church together, come home at the same time.
Mum would never call her phone, but mine, and start screaming on the phone because i am home late, and sis gets no shit, when she is beside me
I tried.
I tried to convince myself that it is because mum is caring.
But it doesn't seem the case.
I just feel like i am lying to myself.
I can't do it anymore.
I must always leave up to my parents' standard.
The ideal daughter.
But i get shit. crap.

It's enough.
I feel like i am in a darkness all alone.
Will there be a trap in front of me?
Will there be holes beside me for me to fall into?
Will there be monsters behind me?
I don't want to move on.
I don't want to....

I'll be fine, will i?

2010-06-30T18:26:00.002+08:00

Another school day...
STUPID HEAVY BAG DAY! BLEH
Today is one of my longest day in the week.
What more with math remedials starting from next week T.T
Two periods of it today.
Mr Chong came in for the first period, and teacher was like, seriously, obviously, not being herself.
Never even scold the class for not handing in the homework.
See already not happy.
Like, there aren't any other teachers in for observation, she will scold us like we some useless creatures on Earth.
And she'll be super impatient when we don't understand what she taught.
It's like =.=
IRRITATINGGGG!
There wasn't any teachers in for observation for the second period, she started screaming at us again.
Chemistry was quite good.
Just that i am sitting beside the windows, and the sun kept shinning right into my face.
GRRR. i want to wear cap in class liao ;X LOL
Learnt salt. Roughly understandable.
Having short quiz tomorrow, hope i can get full marks.
~salt salt salt salt salt~
Literature! New venue: AVA Room.
Air-conditioned, + teacher singing luluby = best atmosphere for sleeping.
As for physics.
Just going through of Ten years series, so it wasn't that bad.
But it feels as if i am having a lot of physics lessons in a week.
Having physics for consecutively 3 days already!
OHOH! and last period: Chinese.
Intensive for chinese oral as o level's oral is on 12th july for me
yeah yeah, mug mug mug!
Must get distinction!

My heart goes out to you!
HAAH! Random.
Heart full of burdens, confusions, and emotions.
I just hope life will get better.
"mind goes over body" - Phil
*keep telling myself life is great*
self denial?

I must work hard.

2010-06-29T21:32:00.003+08:00

Term 3, Day 2

I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard.

Day 2.
Lightest bag, with no books. :P
Physics remedial = boring.
Homework = not as bad.
My mood is just as bad.
It's a normal tuesday, and lessons start at 9.20.
Chinese, was practically practicing oral.
MY O LEVEL ORAL IS ON 12th JULY! GG T.T
POA was normal.
changed sitting arrangement.
Planted right in front of teachers' table! DIE! T.T
English, spent time going through the compre
Everything was fine.
But i suck at compre! T.T
Tired.Tired.Tired.
I can't wait for weekends to come.
LOOOONG WEEKENDS! Monday no lessons due to youth day!
heeh, i'm still young.
And i hope i can survive.
Tomorrow is gonna be a loooong day.
Oh, 3 more days to end of the week.
BUT, i have 9 more weeks to go.
Terrible.
It's only two days D:

I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard.I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard. I must work hard.

& I'm dying T.T

time to face the reality...

2010-06-27T18:56:00.002+08:00

Time to face the reality.
The one month break has come to the end.
Homeworks are done, so are the projects.
But i am not sure why am i still so reluctant.
I feel the stress.
I feel the sian-ness upon looking at the new time-table.
I feel like hiding somewhere.
No, i don't want to go to school.
But i got to change this attitude off.
Mind runs over body
I kept telling myself that everything will be fine, there's nothing for me to be worried about.
But it still don't work.
I'm not sure why.
I feel so helpless.
The emo feeling is back.
Nightmares are starting.
Another 10 weeks.
Will i be able to make it?
Or will i give up again like what i did previously.
It took me long enough to pick everything up again.
will the history replay itself?
I got to kick this sucky attitude of mine off.
I need to work really hard this time round.
I need to do much much better than what i did.
I don't want myself to regret anything.
I can't bear to leave this holiday.
I am really worried.
Will everything be alright?
SIGH...........
Pray. Pray. and Pray more, is what i can do now.
But i feel God's silence.
So what now?
When will the truth of the circumstances review itself?
It has not started and i am worried, paranoid, reluctant.
HOW?!

Back from ShangHai

2010-06-07T17:03:00.002+08:00

I'm back from ShangHai.
The trip was alright.
Had fun here and there, but also depressing moments.
Ups and Downs.
10 days, really long for me.
I missed the food, the people, the environment, almost everything here.
It was a tiring trip to me.
We had lessons for half a day in ShangHai Foreign Language School (SFLS) on Monday to Friday.
Different lessons, some were fun, some were interesting, while some were boring.
We went to many places as well.
Such as taking cruise @ The bund, museum, wax museum, cheng huang miao, and many many more.
We had our last night in one of the hotels in HangZhou and it's really great.
I think i really learnt a lot of things in this trip.
Having fun, and learning at the same time.
Didn't have a lot of time to shop.
World EXPO wasn't as great as i thought,
But i love the UK's pavilion.
Singapore's was disappointing, but they may have their own difficulties faced.

I've been down lately.
Time to really really buck up.
I don't want to............................... SIGH!
Disappointed.
No choice.
Why can't it just be a dream?
Yes, no?
Enough of enjoyment for myself i guess.
Time for serious stuff.
In a dilemma. And what if it really happen?
I won't be able to face anyone, anymore, including myself.
I need to really wake up.
Stop disappointing anyone.
Move on, work harder, prove everyone that i can do it.
And this is it.

2010-05-22T22:41:00.002+08:00

我想要回,
回那属于我的地方,
那能使我找回自己的地方

我不爱这个地方
我不属于这里
感觉很累很累

我不想再这样下去了
我已经撑不住了
我只想放弃
放弃学业
放弃自己
放弃一切
我受够了。

对不起，可是不已经无法带着那勇敢的面具来面对人生了
我是那受伤,虚弱的我
我很想把这一切放到背后
我想当着着没发生
但我办不到
因我知道这已使我变了
我经历了
可是没有人看得到
很累
很累
很累

我已经放慢脚步，
但发现自己已经走不下去了
现在，一点希望都没有的我
觉得很堕落
自暴自弃的感觉

我很想哭
在心里，告诉自己不能哭，因为自己是坚强的
可是到最后，还是不无在骗自己了

HAAH! life so great * sarcasm*

2010-05-18T22:37:00.000+08:00

HAAH!
i cannot believe that life is so great.
Tell me it's a dream will you?
I just don't wish to accept that it's fact.
Tell me, tell me it's a dream

a thousand of whys

2010-05-18T21:07:00.003+08:00

GOD WILL MAKE A WAY!

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way....
He will make a way

Oh God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way.....
He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
And He will do something new today

Oh God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way...
He will make a way

Oh God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way....
He will make a way

With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way....
He will make a way

A lot of questions appeared in my head after i walked out of the room.
I didn't know how to react.
What if it is the worst?
What am i going to do?
What will happen to me?
What are the changes?
Can i still be like before?
Worried.
Referred to SGH.
What will the result be?
Expect the best.
Don't think so much.
oh yeah right.
I feel so useless.
Always falling ill.
My life seems so screwed.
Just take my life away and everything will be okay.
I am telling myself that everything will be alright
Nothing will happen.
I will be fine.
But i just can't bring myself down to believe that.
I am really scared
What will happen tomorrow?
How do i face it?
I don't know.
I am really very confused.
Thousands of whys appear in my head.
Why me
Why must this happen
Why why why why why and why?!
I ought to understand this.
Everything in under control in God's hand.
Can He enlighten me?
I am living in the dark
I need some light.
Some me the way.

a call for celebration, but mood-less.

2010-05-14T22:28:00.004+08:00

Today marks the end of the mid-year examination.
suppose to be a happy day
but my mood is being brought down by the chemistry paper.
yeah, no matter how much effort i put in to study, i just cannot make it.
It's discouraging.
It's just telling me that it makes no difference whether i study or not, so why should it?
"those who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed."
Got pretty depressed and thus didn't go out with friends or what.

Planned to see a doctor for my hand, but i didn't want to.
So called it off, maybe going to see one on Tuesday.
I don't know what is happening to my hand.
But it's getting from bad to worst each day.
I hope it's fine.
I need my hand, for almost everything.
It's my left hand!!!

It's end of exams.
Lessons resuming on Tuesday, so is C.O
I don't wanna go back to school.
I don't want to get any results back.
I don't want to go back to C.O and look at how badly i will play for my cello.
I am afraid to face tomorrow.

I can't wait for the shanghai trip tho.
Vaccination tomorrow.
And time is going to pass very quickly.
Pray for a safe and fun trip.
And also that i won't kena PTM for this term.
I HOPE NOTTTTTT!

Going out for a movie tomorrow with seng and wen yang, have not met them since new year.
think it's gonna be great although it's only the three of us.
and hope can drag them to church after that.
BOOHOO!

~Arrow goes forward only after pulling it to backward.Bullet goes forward only after pressing the trigger backward.Every human being will get happy only after facing the difficulties in their life path...so do not be afraid to face your difficulties because they will push you forward.~
~Remember you are born to live, not live because you are born! don't go the way life takes you, take life the way you go!~
~Attitude - a little thing which makes a big difference!~

Confirm flunk, no i won't!

2010-05-13T23:24:00.002+08:00

Yes Yes, Last paper tomorrow.
I can't wait for it to end.
But i don't want it to end as well.
I realized that the worst thing about exam is not the terrible, tiring, stressful revision, but getting back results.
Gonna be a lot of disappointment, discouragement.
Depressing moments.
SIGH!

I don't know.
I really dislike schooling.
Hmmm........... One and a half year more.
Gonna be fast? or slow?
Yes Yes, there are joyful moments but..............
As said, there was always ups and downs.
Oh come'on, life is so screwed.
Trying hard to motivate myself.
Every time when i take very long to wake up, it's not because i am still tired or i slept to late the previous night.
It's just because i dread the to go school.
Reaching school later and later everyday.
BUT I WON'T BE LATE! waha!

I really really really hope that i can go for home study.
A good choice? no?
I don't know.
Let's talk about it.
Home study, no social life?
Not true. I always have facebook, MSN, and also possible to meet my friends out.
Going to school for the sake of friends to motivate myself?
WRONG PURPOSE! and like i said, can still meet up if i don't go to school mah...
I don't know.
I have probably gone bonkers after trying so hard to mole concept.
I shall see how.
BUT I REALLY REALLY HATE SCHOOLING! because got you! :P

Everything will be fine? No?
Confirm flunk my MYE? No, i don't want!
I am happy? Definitely No!

~Was once a happy girl, but will never be one again.....~

压力

2010-05-10T18:02:00.003+08:00

当一个人心情低落时，我要的是一个安静的环境.
鼓励,我不介意.
劝勉,我也不介意.
但我很介意的是一个人一直在烦!
妈,我已经不是那以前的我了.
你也一点都不了解我.
我要的是空间.
你可以不要一直干涉我吗?
我知道是考试期间,我知道我需要读书.
可是,当我再温习时,你不在家,你就一口咬定说我没努力.
你一直在指示我,坐这个做那个,但你知道我要的是什么吗?
请你我要在干涉了.
我已长大了.
你,只是带来噪音.
很烦.很烦.

我想要的,只是一个平淡的生活.
人生,一定要使人这么烦躁吗?
人生,真的毫无价值吗?
我,好累好累.

学校,
老师,
同学,
社会,
环境,
这些造成压力的因素
已经够多的.

觉得自己毫无意义.........

Died.

2010-05-09T17:35:00.003+08:00

HAAH!.
Great?
I'm crushed.
Never say die, but died.

I think I've explained.
Told the truth.
To believe or not, your choice.
I am very sincere, and this is the most i can do.

And, our intention was to benefit you.
You appreciate it or not, there's nothing i can do.
It's just me for being too stupid.
Wasting my freaking time and effort to think of ideas.
Yeah, you don't know.
You don't know at all.
I also don't know.
Why am i so stupid?
To try to do something for you, and encourage you.
We've been behind you, supporting you
But you see nothing.
Maybe, in your opinion, having money, is enough.
HAAH!
So i have done my part for you as well.
You feel that i am bothering too much.
I'm sorry.
You don't appreciate it, that's too bad.
A sorry won't cure anything now.
Cos' whatever is said is said.
Thanks for teaching me lesson, which is not to be so stupid and think about others.

Once again, i fell.
I don't want to face anyone,anything
I want to hide from reality.
But i guess things won't work this way.
Yeah, my heart died.
But i just have to stand up from where i fell.
And move on.

Life....is about moving on.
Life is not a matter of milestones but of moments
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Friends.

2010-05-03T14:01:00.003+08:00

It's Exam period.
Yes, EXAMSSS!
Had great bonding with friends for the past few days.
And i LURVEEEEEEE it!
We spent our days as if exams are over.
Thursdays was our first paper, chinese.
Even though, it's exams, but 3HCL always made the effort to make it not stressful, and FUNNN!
Our first time doing listening comprehension.
We were all so afraid that we might fall asleep
Most of us went to drink coffee before the paper.
And that weird Dominique got really high to stop himself from sleep.
We fought over the seat.
We laughed at his silly-ness.
It was great fun.
We went to eat @Mos after that.
Great bonding.
Such a pity that Miss Ho was not around.
I just simply LURVEEEEEE 3HCL!

Friday.
haah.
English paper.
My mood was a foul.
Teacher scolded us as if we really can't be bothered.
Just because we didn't bring our file along to revise.
Just because we didn't ask her questions regarding the paper when she put in the effort to come up to class early.
She just assume that we can't be bothered.
Gave us a great scolding.
Which made me not want to bother.
._.
That's really irritating.
Forget it.
Thanks peeps for cheering me up.
We went to watch Ip man 2 after that.
Told cha, it's as if the end of exams.
I wanted to watch ice kachang puppy love.
And i brought up the movie idea, but in the end, we watched ip man 2 instead.
HAAH! nice movie.
there are some life morals in the movie.
Quite touching at some scenes too.
Most importantly, WE HAD FUNNNNNN!

Spent my weekends with Gary, Hongye and Jiahui.
We studied together.
Joked together.
Laughed together.
HAD FUN TOGETHER!
I LURVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE them!!
I can imagine how fun the Shanghai trip will be with them around.
And more fun people.
I cant wait for MYE to end.
I dont like schoool.
Friends, 3HCL is my only motivation.
They add spice to my life.
WOOOTS!

Gary, HongYe, Sonia, JiaHui, I LURVEEEEEE YOU GUyS!

if...

2010-04-29T22:11:00.002+08:00

If these walls could talk,
You’d know my body is dead,
My mind has been taken over,
I can’t control it,
Anger is making me blind.
I v’e been left on my own,
Chained to this hate of some kind.
If these walls could talk,
You’d know about my fears,
About all those nights i screamed for help,
About all my fallen tears,
You’d know about the demon’s haunting me at night,
You’d be able to help me keep my fire alight.
Only if these walls could talk.

It’s the only thing that I’ve been waiting for and huggies ,
Even if he hates them ,i still love them moore , then 1 million bags off candy.
and it feels like have been ,
Trapped by pretty eyes and Messages ,
And the only thing that I’ve been waiting for,
is for you too , Hugg me and Never Lett go,
I hope it’s something worth the waiting
‘Cause it’s the only time that I will ever feel real
Thunder storms could never stop me
‘Cause there’s no one in the world like Jacob Holloway , ♥

he’s simple yet confusing
Hiss Shinny eyes make me weak at my words, they Trample ,
Days seem like years in this month of January
The winter coldens me , i wiish yew Kiin Warmm mee ,
And never will I give up trying ’cause you’re everything to me’
I hope it’s something worth the waiting …………..
And His Stupid Friends can Never Stop Me ,
Because There’s no one in the world like My Teady Bear

During sleepless nights,
I pretend that the past isnt real,
I just brings back what i used to feel.
So much sadness in my hopeless life, Never knew things would change so fast
You are not here and im alone.
Wishing you can come back home and
Im trying to run away from this pain that has grown.
I fell so empty now that you are gone.
There is so much crying and I fell like dying.
This one is for you.
These words are brand new.Just for you.
Though its coming from the heart,
Thanks for the life you have given me.
You will always be in my heart,
cross the heart hope to die.
Feel these tears coming from my eyes,,
that will stop till well apart.
And I swear of god we will always be foreever.

Hope?

2010-04-29T22:02:00.003+08:00

Life is as bad.
And i am running away from reality.
I dont know how, to face.
4 months in 3 Commitment let me learn how to be independent.
Survive all in loneliness.
There is no one i can trust.
And introvert is what i am.

Please hold me tightly, i dont care if i can breathe tonight.
Empty promises, fills my heart with lies.

“My scars she hides,
behind laughter and lies,
she say..’s she is fine,
but slowly she dies”

I hate life.

2010-04-22T19:31:00.002+08:00

Life.
What's life?
Years on Earth where you get drained out and tired out by all the thing, filled with sadness, depression and disappointments?

I HATE life.
I HATE everything about it.
I HATE School.
I HATE to go to school
I HATE to attend maths lessons.
I HATE to attend English lessons.
I HATE to attend Literature lessons.
I HATE to attend P.E lessons.
I HATE to attend Physics lessons.
I HATE to attend Chemistry lessons.
I HATE to attend Social Studies lessons
I HATE to attend P.O.A lessons.
I HATE to go for Chinese Orchestra.
I HATE to go for Remedial.
I HATE to go for Supplementary.
I HATE to stay back in school.
I HATE to go home.
I HATE to stay at home.
I HATE it that i makes no difference whether i am at home or not, cause no one actually notice about me.
I HATE it when my mother starts to nag.
I HATE it when my mother never stop talking.
I HATE it when my mother always talk about tests and exams.
I HATE it when my mother look at my things without permission.
I HATE it when my mother controls everything.
I HATE it when my mother breaks her promises.
I HATE it when my mother never tries to put herself in my shoes.
I HATE it when my mother threatens me
I HATE it when my mother never understands me.
I HATE it when my dad irritates me.
I HATE it when my dad is so stubborn with his own opinion.
I HATE it when my dad never listens to me.
I HATE it when i cannot get something i want.
I HATE it when someone gives me hope, but took it away but give me disappointment in the end.
I HATE it when people spread rumours about me.
I HATE it when i felt disrespected.
I HATE it when no one actually understands me.
I HATE it when life is sooooo unfair.
I HATE it when i am suffocating.
I HATE it when i cannot stop the time right now.
I HATE it when i cannot stop to world from spinning right now.
I HATE it when i cannot stop EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW!
I'm tired! I've enough of everything! I wanna stop everything!

I lil' pain in my chest

2010-04-20T22:38:00.000+08:00

The soldier boy was sitting calmly underneath that tree.
As I approached it, I could see him beckoning to me.
The battle had been long and hard and lasted through the night
And scores of figures on the ground lay still by morning's light.

"I wonder if you'd help me, sir", he smiled as best he could.
"A sip of water on this morn would surely do me good.
We fought all day and fought all night with scarcely any rest -
A sip of water for I have a small pain in my chest."

As I looked at him, I could see the large stain on his shirt
All reddish-brown from his warm blood mixed in with Asian dirt.
"Not much", said he. "I count myself more lucky than the rest.
They're all gone while I just have a small pain in my chest."

"Must be fatigue", he weakly smiled. "I must be getting old.
I see the sun is shining bright and yet I'm feeling cold.
We climbed the hill, two hundred strong, but as we cleared the crest,
The night exploded and I felt this small pain in my chest."

"I looked around to get some aid - the only things I found
Were big, deep craters in the earth - bodies on the ground.
I kept on firing at them, sir. I tried to do my best,
But finally sat down with this small pain in my chest."

"I'm grateful, sir", he whispered, as I handed my canteen
And smiled a smile that was, I think, the brightest that I've seen.
"Seems silly that a man my size so full of vim and zest,
Could find himself defeated by a small pain in his chest."

"What would my wife be thinking of her man so strong and grown,
If she could see me sitting here, too weak to stand alone?
Could my mother have imagined, as she held me to her breast,
That I'd be sitting HERE one day with this pain in my chest?"

"Can it be getting dark so soon?" He winced up at the sun.
"It's growing dim and I thought that the day had just begun.
I think, before I travel on, I'll get a little rest ..........
And, quietly, the boy died from that small pain in his chest.

I don't recall what happened then. I think I must have cried;
I put my arms around him and I pulled him to my side
And, as I held him to me, I could feel our wounds were pressed
The large one in my heart against the small one in his chest.

A simple journey

2010-04-20T22:36:00.001+08:00

There was absolutely no movement in his body
He was resting on ground motionless like anybody
It looked as if one simple object was lying?
All thought he was dead or was dieing

These are the saddest moments in the life
It is easy to walk on the edge of knife
But difficult to survive in the real show
All difficulties surround and blow

The dead person might have not thought an early end
He may not have foes but so many friends
It may be his miscalculation that end in any case may not near
He may be living in confidence without any fear

Stories gathered round that he was lavish and lovely
He believed in life to be spent very smoothly
It was his life style that made him very frank
He lived merrily, toasted others and drank

We miss the bus at an appointed hour
The cloak may end clicking and it is over
No one may take notice and prepare for departure
His life waited him in the ground for the rest of future

He may be buried with full honor
He mat well be praised as good donor
What had he earned in his entire stay?
Honorable life with ordinary stay

We only carry the blessings and good will
Memory will not fade away and remain still
Ashes may be washed away by sweeping wind
There won’t be left any remains to find

Leave the foot prints on the sand for time being
The destiny is same for ordinary man or king
People may remember what and how you lived?
It may be your work that may be appreciated and believed

Let dead remain buried under the ground
Little air blow may create lovely sound
Only peace may there and nothing else to be found
What impression do you gather when you go round?

Long lull may prevail when you depart?
It may be beginning of a new start
Who knows what will be the next move?
One has to act fast and ultimately prove

Only good work may be remembered for a long
Nobody may accompany you or come along
You may be all the way certainly right or wrong
Still it may be wrong to create all praises in the songs

It is relentless struggle and may go on
It has to be covered and spent of our own
You may either create for self a big name
Or condemned as a curse or shame

I just simply hate myself.

2010-04-17T20:43:00.003+08:00

I wanna get lost from my life sometimes, sit on the side and watch the world go by, I wanna get lost and I don't know why.
I'm not saying I have nothing. I'm not saying I'm gone completely. It's just sometimes it's all a bit too much to handle. Sometimes I feel like it's too much. I'm not going to do anything stupid because I know it will get better, it has to right? Otherwise there wouldn't be anyone who would live past their teenage years. But for now, just for now, it hurts.
I just don't feel like I know myself very well right now, so how can I be sure about anything? Most of the time I feel so awkward, you know, like I don't belong in my own skin, I get frustrated at everything, I could just scream and there's no reason for it, I just hate myself.
There's this girl in the mirror, I wonder who she is. Sometimes I think I know her and sometimes I wish I did. There is a story in her eyes, lullabies, and goodbye. When she's looking back at me I can tell...she's hurting inside.
She smiles with all that she has left, yet tears are left un-dried. And though she's got so much to say, she bottles it up inside. If you look past her broken eyes to a shadow no one sees, a disguise so you won't recognize, the girl is really me...
I can't hide no matter how hard I try, my secret disguised behind the lies. And at night I cry away my pride, with eyes shut tight staring at my inside. All my friends know why I can't sleep at night, all my family asking am i alright. All I wants to do is get rid of this hell, well all I got to do is stop kiddin myself. I can only fool myself for so long...
I've been weak and I've been strong. I've been thru the fire and I've been thru the storm. Try to do right and I know I do wrong. Just be happy for me when my life is gone. Cause with no more hurt and no more tears, there will be no more pain and no more fears. No more people in my face that are not sincere. So smile for me when I'm no longer her
I know sometimes, like when someone dies, and you're sad, and it's ok to be sad? But then there are times when you're supposed to be happy but you're sad anyway...and those times are even worse than the times when you're supposed to be sad.
Give me a reason to keep believing taht everything isn't misleading and kiss the clouds on the rainy days and smile for you when skies are grey. Cause I'm a tear drop away from crying and a few breaths away from dying.
I am a strong girl who keeps her stuff in line-and with tears running inside her, and yet she still manages to spit the simple words "I'm fine."
I take all this pain...I put it in rhymes...Then you get the chance for the very first time. You get to feel the pain...there's stuff inside me...like all this hate...I don't know if I can handle...I don't know if I can carry this weight...I just wanna let go...I just wanna be free...it's time for all this hate...to finally leave me...
My life is full of empty promises and broken dreams. I'm hoping things will look up, and right when they do, there's always something to fuck it up, and we're back at square one.
hings are going crazy and I'm not sure who to blame. Everything is changing and I don't feel the same. I'm slipping through the cracks of floors I thought were strong. I'm trying to find a place where I feel like I belong.
Don't be fooled by my smile, inside i'm breaking...
just wanna end it all. Should I trip or should I fall. Wills omeone be there to catch me when I'm falling to the ground, or will I be there forever lying there with no sound.
Do you ever just get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody. You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy but at the same time you don't know exactly what is wrong either?

Tiring week

2010-04-16T20:35:00.001+08:00

Another week has gone pass.
I tiring week for me tho.
Busy busy busy busy and busy.
Cheena peeps coming to EVG on this coming Wednesday.
Busy memorizing script.
I kept talking to myself this week
I kept disturbing people to listen to me telling story
To memorize.
But glad that teacher said i improve a lot today from the previous time she heard me.
Haah.
Cause i kept reciting it till people thought i was crazy.
;X
自言自语，神经病

Anyway, i think i screwed up my physics class test.
Did well for POA test, tho i lost marks all because i wrote bal c/b and bal b/d the other way round for the whole entire paper
And my marks for deducted.
So sad.
No error carried forward, it not, i would have gotten 49/50.

Carrying out my class service learning's project this coming week.
Gonna be busy for me, cause i'm the video crew.
I have to video down the whole thing.
But i knw it's gonna be fun.
And i'll be helping miss ho to video the whole thing on Weednesday when the cheena peeps are coming too!
Somehow, excited.

I no longer know myself.

2010-04-13T21:35:00.002+08:00

A week has gone past.
Things are getting more boring.
I realize that i no longer put on the smile i use to have.
Hanging in there.
Hoping that the rubber band don't snap anytime.
Things are not going well, like duh~
But there is nothing else i can do, but to accept it.

I need a push from the back.
I need a hand to hold me up and support me.
I need a shoulder for me to lean and cry on.
I'm often alone when i face problems.
Sometimes i just feel that i got no one to turn to.
Sigh.............

Let's get into real life...
First of all, Excos list out last Friday.
Congratulations to peeps.
All best~!

Mrs Eng is back in school today.
Happy and glad to see her.
I miss her soooooo much!
But i didn't get to talk to her today ;<

Dean got into trouble again...
Yes, again.
This time, he hitted Mr Clement Lee with his clutch.
Why can't the school just expel him?
I guess everyone had enough of him.
Including me.

Chinese.
Stress.
Really trying hard to memorize the singapore story in preparation for the ShangHai people's arrival.
Excited at the same time.
Going to be counted in our project work.
And if we do well, we are gonna have a KTV section in class.
Woots!

Chinese Orchestra.
Boring...~
I can't play the cello due to my hand.
Maybe some people don't know about it.
And they may think that i am slacking or whatsoever.
Not doing a good job as a Sectional leader.
But i do have a valid reason.

Oh yeah, and my hand.
I think it has worsen.
It hurts more.
Gets more swollen.
And i hope it gets well...............

That's all, i guess...
Things just can't get worst than this.
I am looking forward to the shanghai trip.

It just popped off and disappeared, like a bubble.

2010-04-06T20:41:00.003+08:00

I told myself that I will not fall, by this little issue.
I told myself that I am strong.
I told myself that everything will be fine.
But I was wrong.
I fell.
I am not strong at all.
I am lousy.
yeah... I am useless.

Why can't I just do it?
Why am i always so disappointing?
Why didn't I just give up when i felt like it the other time?
Why do i always give myself false hope?
Why do everything have to ends with tears?
Why do hope always have to pop off and disappear just like bubbles?
Why can't everything just stop here at this moment.

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow
words and music by Ira Stanphill

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Ev'ry step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter;
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eyes,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

我最终的选择还是放弃
我努力过了
我坚持过了
我尽力了
我也累了
是时候把这一切都放下
是时候让自己解脱
我最后想说的，就是再见
我已努力了
够了。。。

Easter.

2010-04-04T16:24:00.003+08:00

I've not been very regular for posting here ;X
'Cos i don't want people to know how i feel?
But anyway, i think i can't leave this blog dead here.
Just a quick update.

Busy Easter for me.
I'm kinda very tired.
I don't not have Good Friday like none other students.
Good Friday is not a public holiday for me.
And i can't slack at home like many are doing.
Yeah, sometimes i do find life unfair.
Especially when teachers always give excuses like we have long weekend and they start giving tons of work, like we have 240 hours a day.
It's very irritating at times.
I had to rush to church from school on Thursday to practice for Good Friday's choir presentation.
We practiced till about 9 and by the time i reach home is about 9 plus almost 10.
As for Friday, i had to go to church in the morning as early as 9, and church is FAR!
But it isn't that bad.
Then for Saturday we had gospel rally.
And i had to stay over in church as we have to be at MacRitchie Reservoir by 6am, which means i have to wake up at 4 plus 5, go MacRitchie for Sunrise Service, then come back to church for Sunday school and service.
And for Sunrise, it was raining.
We had to sing in the rain.
How great. Yeah, but no, i can't complain.
I was like going to fall asleep any time during the sermon, which was, very bad.
And i went to visit Janetta after that, as i felt bad not visiting her after so long.
Glad to see that she is better.

I have not done my translation for Miss Ho.
And it has to be handed up by tomorrow, i guess.
I hope i can do it on time.
It's HARD.
I feel very tired to start.
BUT I NEED TO STOP PROCRATINATING!
Grrr.
Bad mood.
Life sucks.
And, I'm am tired.
How i wished Easter day is a public holiday which means there is holiday in liew tomorrow and i don't have to go school tomorrow.
Fat dreams.
Sigh...

I got so caught up and i wished that i could stop everything and get a breather.

No longer that girl

2010-03-29T20:03:00.002+08:00

I'm no longer that girl who you knew.
I've changed.
I'm no longer that good girl, who listens to you, follow your instructions, allow you to control me, and make decision.
I'm no longer that dependent who follows you around, like a dog.
I've grown up.
I'm not the new born who needs you to catch worms for me to eat.
I've learnt how to catch the worms on my own.
My wings are developed.
I'm able to fly now.
Stop controlling me.
Stop restricting me.

I've my own plans.
I know which directions i would like to fly towards.
I know what i want.
I have my own plans.
You have no control of my life now.
It's my life.
It's my choice.
It's my own decision.
It's my plan.
Stop interfering.

I've changed.
Into a rebellious girl.
Who has my own decisions.
And know what i want.
Let me be independent.
Give me the freedom, the freedom of choice.
Let me show you that i'm able to take control of my own life.
I may not do it well, but i'm learning in the process.
Give me the opportunity.

Term 2.

2010-03-24T20:53:00.002+08:00

1/2 week 1 of term 2.
Hectic.
Depressing.
Irritating.

Term two has started.
It's NOT a good start.
The pace of term two, comparing to term one, is definitely fast.
I really need to be on task this term.
No slacking.
But I wanna give up.
Yeap, i am hiding from problems.
Because i don't know how to face it.
I'm weak.
It's just the first week.
But i am lack of motivation.
I guess, some of you out there, can understand me.
Can understand how i feel.
I really hope there is any.
Many things happened this week.
But none of them made me feel happy.
I'm disappointed with many things that happened.
I don't know how to help myself.
I got questioned by a teacher.
He asked me why am i so negative.
And i would like to tell him, that he part of the cause.

Feeling the stress.
Yes, STRESS is the word.
it's not even the end of first week.
And teachers are reminding us that our Mid-year will be here soon.
It's just the first week.
And we are already having tests and quizzes.
I just need to learn how to adapt to this life.
Service learning is bothering.
Studies are bothering.
PTM is bothering.
Remedials are bothering.
CCA is bothering.
Homeworks are bothering.
Gosh..
needa buck up.
Yeap, BUCK UP!

let me stay depressed, and i know i will be fine soon.

Lord i offer you my life.

2010-03-18T22:51:00.001+08:00

Lord I offer You my life

(Verse 1)
All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

(Chorus)
Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

(Verse 2)
Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, alll of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

Chorus)
Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

(Bridge)
What can we give
That you have not given?
And what do we have
That is not already yours?
All we possess
Are these lives we're living
That's what we give to you, Lord

L.I.A

2010-03-16T19:36:00.002+08:00

Heyy peeps.
I just came back from L.I.A Camp a few days ago.
L.I.A Camp - Leadership in Action camp.
I benefited in the camp.
Maybe, i can go through it day by day?

Day 1
We were suppose to report at 2.30 at the free area outside Spectrum.
I was late.
Cause before the camp, went to eat with Phil and Vilynn,then i was a bit slow, then if was raining cats and dogs, so i walked home in the rain, and after that quickly rush home and then did some last minute packing then left the house.
I was late, so i kena 20 pumps.
then we had to wait in pumping position while they take attendance then we went through rules and our groupings and stuff.
I am quite happy with my group members and IC.
And ya, we campus are known as 'leaders' while excos are known us 'ICs'
After that we changed into track pants and long sleeve shirt and went to St.Anthony church.
We had a tour around the church and also had a so called lecture about their beliefs.
went back, had PT then dinner, a lecture and then night game.
Before the night game, the day IC reported the strength wrongly and everyone was punished.
We were made to stay in pumping position and move into 4 lines according to our pe shirt house colours in pumping position then we also had to charry chairs on our head.
GAAH, silly and tiring.
Night game was not as great as my group is not as bonded yet.
We ended the day at about 4 am plus.

Day 2
We got called up at 6 plus, had PT.
then breakfast, i didn't eat cause... i don't know.
Then we had teamwork games.
It was great,
I could feel the difference in my group between second day and first day.
Second day was really much better.
we had fun, and after that we had PT and lunch.
And after that is lecture.
That was when i was really shivering in the library and starting to feel unwell.
After Lecture was PT, tough PT.
And i was running high temperature.
and from then i was restricted from all activities.
Skip. Skip. Skip......
At night we were suppose to play a strategy game.
ShiQiang, Rachael, and Brandon came.
Haah.
Then during the game, it was really fun, though we had difficulties completing the game.
Heeh.
After that we had lectures again.
Before that, we had to change then me and Eugenia had to report to library first.
Eugenia had to change the dressings for her wounds
As for me, I had temperature check.
Then we both rested in the library.
Joined in the lecture
And i started shivering again.
Temperature when really high halfway though the movie.
And i went to the back of the library and rested on the coach.
The day ended at about 3.

Day 3
We got woken up at 4 plus.
kena pump in spectrum.
I joined in a while and started feeling bad.
Got called out and sited outside the spectrum after that.
I went to the bunk to sleep first, then the rest came in for a nap.
Then they had to report to parade square while i was asked to sleep more.
I went down after a while and they kena pumping and breakfast after that.
they had water games and i missed it.
GAAAAAH.
I was totally bored.
As 3rd day of the camp was redundant for me.
But i still love my group as they never exclude me from anything.
And, i am always supporting and cheering for them even though i couldn't join them.

Thanks all for the camp.
I love it, though i was really slack.
Benefited really lot.
Learnt a lot of skills and qualities.

Leadership, starts from the heart!
It's all in the mind and the determination, we shall not give up, no matter what!

MC.!

2010-03-11T13:42:00.003+08:00

Today, is a peaceful day for me :B
Wasn't feeling well and didn't go to school.
Can take this as a recharge day i guess.
It has been a tiring week.month.term.start :X
Especially mentally.

Tears,cryings,ranting,sad,disappointment,depressed.
The sore in my heart.
Are beyond words.
The emotions.
Can't be expressed
The feelings.
Can't be felt.
The reasons.
Can't be comprehend.

I hoped that this feelings can go off.
Just like the dark clouds.
They are gone after a rain.
And that rainbow will appear after that.

I want to stay in darkness.
Alone.
So that i had no one to face.
I won't have any stress.
I won't need to put on an invisible mask.
I won't need to face anyone.
I don't have to be afraid that something bad might happen the next minute.
I won't have to get back poor results, and cursing myself after that.
I can be myself.
Do what i want.
Relaxed.
So much better.

And yeah, i broke down.
Giving up, is what i feel like doing.
Maybe i am just 自暴自弃?
I don't know.

Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

randomness

2010-03-10T21:10:00.006+08:00

Randomness.
I just felt like posting those pictures.
They are nice, aren't they?

How beautiful

2010-03-08T21:57:00.002+08:00

How Beautiful.
Miss Diana Goh's wedding theme song.
A beautiful song, indeed.

Back to life.
I am sad.
Two papers killed my mood.
I really hate myself for being myself.
I am really stupid. GAAAH.
And no matter how much effort i put in, i still don't get the results i want.
Disappointed.
I can imagine how will my report card be like for this term.
And i don't feel like going to school ;<
I don't want to face it.
Panicked for chinese paper yesterday night.
I just felt like locking myself in the room, and let my mum not able to pull me out of bed for school.
I went under my blanket.
And tears started to roll down my cheeks, again.
I feel weak.
All the time.
I know running away doesn't slove any problems.
But i would say, i have no courage to face tomorrow.
Nobody knows what is gonna happen tomorrow.
And that is the excuse i give for having no courage to face tomorrow.
Cause i am afraid of the happenings.
I am scared.
I don't want.
But i know if i tell my parents that i don't want to go school.
They will be sad, and worried.
Which i don't want it to be.

Last time, i had great classmates that motivates me to go to school.
Because even if i don't like class, teachers, and every other things, i still have my classmates to cheer me up, to keep me occupy every minute of lessons, and not giving me the time to think about not going to school and stuff.
For this year, it's totally different.
I am close to no one in class.
Every moment in class, what i do is emo.
I got lots of time to think about how stuck up my life is.
I miss two respect.
It's so much enjoyable.
Sigh........
And headache is not getting any better.! D:

Headache. :X

2010-03-07T19:04:00.002+08:00

Went to Miss Diana's Goh wedding lunch today,therefore, i didn't go to church.
The Wedding was great.
It's been sometime since i attend a wedding.
But, it's not as fun or enjoyable because my brain kept reminding me that there is Chemistry and Chinese common test tomorrow.
:X

I got headache since Friday, which is really bad. ;<
Having fever,but didn't go to see any doctor.
Started to feel until halfway through the SS paper.
My head was hurting very badly, and my eyes too.
I could see double images and felt like puking.
I think puking is due to gastric, while double vision due to the headache?
No idea.
Went back home and took a nap.
Everything got worst after i woke up.
Had flu and my tempt almost hit 39 ;X

It's quite irritating.
Hate myself for falling ill so easily.
I can't be bothered with myself.
And refuse to go to a doctor.
Waste of money only.
Even if i recover, it's just a short-term thing. ._.

Got LIA Consent form.
Sonia wasn't going at first
But in the end, she's still going.
Hope is not i sabo :X
LIA is on Friday, 12 March.
It will definitely be tiring, but i think fun at the same time.
One thing i am praying hard is that i won't fall sick during LIA.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

我受到的那委屈...无法形容

2010-03-03T23:40:00.000+08:00

It was my birthday on Monday.
Everything was great, i guess.
Except for the part when my nose bled
Except for the part when my wireless screwed up.
The rest was fine, i guess.
Had a normal school day.
But there was no homework, which was delightful, i guess.
Got my IC on my birthday.
And i think it's a lucky thing! HAAH!
Happy, and i was complaining about the size of everything.
It's MY IC and the word 'singapore' and the logo there is bigger than my face and name :X
MY IC LEHHH~! LOLLL
Then went up to 4achieve to find my mentor. lol.
Cherise and JiaHui. knew about it way long ago.
I dropped my phone. GAAH! My birthday present from Phil. Thanks ar!
Then went to Causeway with jiahui after that.
Was dee-siao-ing phil and lukas.
She got me a domo! :B
And went home after that.
Thanks people for all the wishes and presents! :B
And Jiahui made a comment that i was quite unfriendly since the beginning of the year :X

Tuesday, was bad.
Was not in the mood, though it was really fun during chinese lessons ;P
POA test was... okay, i would say.
But the more i do it, the more i think and the more i get confused. GAAAH.
Everything was boring and sian after that.
Went for C.O
slacking tho.
I dont hav any cello to play, cause they are all with my juniors

Had combine after that.
I am proud of my quality of playing even tho i didn't really practiced meng die :X
But as for bar eight... hmmmmm.. lots of improvement needed, i guess.

As for today...
Everything was BORING!
Had word of the day test, don't even talk about it, GEEEZ!

Was very low during math lesson, as well as chemistry and physics.
Had high achiever's enrichment for service learning.

The process of everything will be tiring, i think.
The enrichment was BORING!.
Everything is SOOOOOOOO DRY!
And my phone died on me, but retrieved.
It blackout suddenly, then i wasnt about to on after a while.
I waited for 2 hours plus and it started up AND all my messages were gone.
SO SAD LUHHHHHHHHH! 5000+ of messages :<

我突然间还想放弃.
我很不开心.
对生活中的起起落落感到很疲倦.
自己很像受到很大的委屈似的,泪水就在我眼眶里.
感觉好像自己快撑不住了.
沮丧;

低落

2010-03-03T22:16:00.002+08:00

为什么? 为什么? 为什么?
我,一点都不了解.
我好心烦啊!

爱.
是不求回报.
是为别人而付出.
是给与人家所需要的.

不要先求人家爱你，因为自己要下奶别人更多。

当自己心情地落时,什么也不想做,什么也不想面对.
心里感到又酸又沉重的.
指向默默地,静静地,一个人,在一旁哭泣.
把那心中的不满给哭出来
然后入眠.
什么也不用想.

我好累.我好烦.我好想放弃!

self esteem?

2010-02-26T21:42:00.006+08:00

"The saddest aspect right now is that science gathers knowledge fast than society gathers wisdom"

The day started well today.
I was actually quite 'high'
I think it's because i got 4 more marks for my a.math test. *Yay-ness*
Although literature lessons suck as usual
Mr edward scolds everyone with insulting words, as usual
Surprisingly, i don't find today's lesson boring.
For one reason or another.
As for chemistry, it's more of doing more questions and copying this and that.
Everything was alright.
Until the make-up lessons which was until four.
I would say, it's super lethargic.
Friday, is supposedly, our only short and sweet day of the week
And we actually had make-up lessons, which really sucks.
Fortunately, make-up lessons are only valid for two weeks.
And no more of it next week.
Make-up lessons actually ruin my nice day.
Felt really sian after that.
Mood-less
And so i walked home in the rain.
Loved that feeling.
The reason why i love walking home alone too.
Came back home, felt really tired
Guess it's not just physically.
Went to sleep after that.
I just felt like shutting myself down.
Sadly, dad woke me up. GAAAH

Didn't intend to attend FFF this week.
I have not been going for quite sometime.
Don't feel like going.
And surprisingly, my sister could read my mind.
She just randomly came into my room and asked me to go tomorrow.
I told her very sian and i don't feel like going and she said that she don't care.
I will be the chairman tomorrow and I MUST GO!
So i guess, i am going tomorrow. :X

Common test is next tuesday for POA paper.
I feel stressed up.
I have no idea why too.
Everything seems to be up at my throat.
I want to MIA from everything and everyone :X
How i wish that time time could stop, at this point of time.
But, fat hopes!

She's crying, she's breaking, she's lying,

she's faking,she's hated & taunted

she's wanted & flaunted

she's a puppet on a string,

an angel without a wing,

she's every girl you want her to be

but she only wants her self esteem

Common test is near. >;

2010-02-24T19:36:00.002+08:00

Have not posted for quite sometime, i guess.

Many things happened.

Major car accident happened on Friday night when some of my church's youth members are coming back from malacca.

Depressed atmosphere in church.

Thinking whether i should be church-hopping.

Talked to ZC.And she told me to come back as i have not been going FFF for about a month or so.

Normal school on Monday.

Tuesday c.o, combined meng die.

Had chem test.

Received chinese test.

Procrastinating a lot recently.

Blah.Blah.Blah.

And,

I.H.a.t.e.W.h.a.t.e.v.e.r.T.h.a.t.I.s.H.a.p.p.e.n.i.n.g .N.o.w!

L.i.f.e.J.u.s.t.S.i.m.p.l.y.S.u.c.k.s.

Wednesday today.

Have a feeling that the week is really long.

Feeling really lethargic. :X

Went to watch 《棺材太大，洞太小》in esplanade today.

Nice play.

But was irritated by people from another school.

No idea which school are they from.

They just can't stop talking even though the play has started.

The guy sited behind me and vilynn kept tapping his foot and kicking out chairs.

Pissed off.

ZiXiang was very scared and she cried a while after we entered the theater.

The play it a funeral scene, so they made the context like the audience are attending a funeral wake.

Exciting though.

Slacked at the open area for a lil' while after the play

Headed back to school after that.

W0re ms's ho's jacket and slept on the bus.

Was super tired.

And also blur after getting down the bus.

Stood around for a while and then went off with Vilynn.

Guess everyone was tired

So we were quiet in the bus on the way back, and even in school too.

Common test is round the corner.

Jiayous, everyone!

And LIA camp is near.

Got nominated.

Thinking whether i should go or not.

Long week though it's a three day week

2010-02-19T22:59:00.000+08:00

I had a loooong week this week, although it's just a three day week.
Probably because lessons are till late afternoons, Homeworks are burdens, ICT enrichment for service learning.
Common tests' time table is out.
It's starting on 2nd March which is really, really sian.
Had lots of class test these two weeks, got back both a.math and e.math paper.
Glad to say that my e.math is improving
But as for my a.math, it's a great big problem.
Didn't do well for a.math.
In fact, i did badly.
This is kind of a discouragement, but i can't give up.
I ain't going to give up.
It was tough catching up with maths homework this week as i was absent on Thursday plus i did not go to class on Friday due to CNY concert, homeworks were pilling up.
Didn't get to sleep early for the past three nights.
I stayed up till 3am, which is a horror.
Due to lack of sleep, i wasn't in good mood this week.
No, maybe sleep wasn't the problem.
It was just me? I think
This week is a depressed week, i can say. :X
Everything seems to go the way that is unexpected.
Feeling really tired, both mentally and physically.
Hope things will be better.

Had SS test today.
Cause i wasn't in school last Thursday.
I would say, the test, is straight forward.
I had the test during my break, before the make-up lessons.
It was pack outside the Staff room, so miss yong brought me into the staff room to take the test.
Mrs haris and a few teachers were teasing at me.
They were talking about my hair, cause it was never this neat for the previous years. :X
So they were joking and Mrs Haris shouted "So neat uh!" When one of the teachers, told them not to disturb me as i was doing test.
I think Miss mazlinda said "Does she even know that we are gossiping about her?" LOL. :X
I think I was well prepared for the test.
But i think my marks will not be taken in as I was on mc last week
So i think my grade will be VR.
Which is soooo sad.
If i really do well in it.

Going bai nian tomorrow.
Thus, not going to Faith Fighters' Fellowship.
Had not been going for weeks.
Guess i am going to disappear.
I don't know.
One thing is, i feel like going around to different churches to see
Another thing is, i feel really tired.
I can't juggle things well.
Everyone has their weekends free, but i am different from the others and yet the amount of homework i get is the same.
I know it's for God, but i guess i need a rest.
Maybe i will be as regular as i was when i have enough rest
And when i feel that i have enough energy to serve God.

Stressed up.

2010-02-16T23:33:00.002+08:00

School is starting tomorrow after the loooong weekend.

As usual, i am not looking forward to school.

SQ told me to treat school like a learning process.

To me, going to school is nightmare.

It's not like an ordinary nightmare which will be alright after i wake up from my sleep.

Because, it doesn't happen only when i sleep.

It's real life.

GAAAH.

Suffocating.

All the activities i have after school clashes together.

Do i have too many things which causes me to be unable to cope?

Should i drop any of them down?

Somehow, part of me is telling me that i cannot drop any of them cause they are my responsibility.

But another part of me is telling me that i have to drop one of them down, i can't cope with them, i am over-stressed.

I don't know.

Homework, CCA, enrichment, remedials, etc.

Everything just comes like the waves of a tsumani.

They are overwhelming.

Sometimes, i wondered...

How did i even made it till today.

How did make it through so many things.

Can i still stay afloat?

How long can i sustain?

When will i breakdown?

I dont know.

I really dont know.

Every time, after a weekend or a break,

I will just dread it when i know that school is starting/ there will be school

Having sleepless nights.

Worrying, and hoping that i did not miss out any homework or anything that is needed for school the next day.

Wondering how school will be like.

Hoping that it will not be as bad as i imagined it to be.

Fearing about tomorrow.

Lacking in faith

No confidence at all.

Wishing for miracles to happen.

Miracles like time will stop at this moment and never move on.

Sometimes, i am just lying to myself.

Is life really as bad as i described it?

I hope not...

Cny. A depressed one.

2010-02-14T22:22:00.002+08:00

Today is chinese new year.

A very important, or emphasized festival by most chinese.

It's suppose to be a happy, cheerful occasion.

But for me, it's an indication for me to start revising as Common test is round the corner.

Somehow, it's a quiet one for me, this year.

I am somehow introverted.

Except towards WenYang ChowSeng.

Somehow, i just can't bring myself to smile.

It's as if my cheeks are really heavy.

Really chrysalids where ever i go.

I know i am not as hardworking usually.

But i just feel really sian.

I placed myself in my own world.

And this led my cousins to discuss about how emo i am on facebook.

And i guess, it's not only on facebook, but in real life too.

I just don't feel happy.

Partly, due to daddy gambling/playing mahjong.

He ever made a promised that he wouldn't

But he broke it.

I know it's tempting.

Once in a year may be okay to many.

But definitely, not me!

I think as christian this is when we should really stand firm on our stand.

Saying no to temptations right?

But daddy failed it.;<

disappointed.

Everyone is happy because kids, like us get to receive ang baos.

Which make us feel rich.

Family members and relatives get to come together.

To share the joy.

We can feel the warmth in the family.

That we seldom have it due to the busy working/studying life styles.

But what i need, is something that cannot be bought my money.

Love.

Care.

Warmth.

Joy.

Peace.

Harmony.

Etc...

I am really depressed i guess.

CNY is really sian.

Giving me more time to think more and get more depressed.

Great....

I wish i can go back to the age of 4/5

When Chinese New Year is really a happy occasion.

When i knew very lil' things.

when i have nothing to worry about.

When everything was fine.

How i wish time could go back....

CNY Celebration.

2010-02-12T22:55:00.002+08:00

Had CNY celebration today.

Suppose to have one period of lessons for me cause i have to leave class at 8.40 and prepare to performance.

But, in the end, due to the service learning briefing, i didn't attend any lessons.

I am ont of the video journalist.

Same team with Dean.

A great big challenge, hope that he will co-operate with us.

Really praying hard for that.

Went to music room.

Didn't have the feel to perform, partly because i am not feeling really well?

Then had to perform, no matter what.

Brought my instrument down.

Realized that for A string and C string is very lose.

And no matter how much i tune, it will still go off.

So i gave up in the end.

Turn until my finger got blister liao, still havent get the note ._.

So Mr Ong told me not to perform.

Somehow a YAY! But somehow not.

Cause my cello has problem ;<

Before going down, whole orchestra was idling in the music room.

Farhan created humour between us.

Somehow, i found the spirit i always wanted in EVGCO!

Hope that the spirit will stay there all the time.

But in the end, ice conductor insisted me on performing.

So bo bian.

He faster tune my cello, last minute go up.

Play until second song, my cello all out of tune.

Was pretending to play ;X

After that, we went up to music room.

Took a whole group photo.

Had fun. ;B

Went to ECP after that.

With Phil, Vilynn, and SQ.

Phil and vilynn went to ride the bike.

While me and SQ walked around and then found a spot on the sand and sat down.

We chatting a lot and had fun, i guess.

Went to meet up with Phil and Vilynn after that.

we took cab as vilynn as to reach home back 8.30, so we did not had enough time to take bus.

Guess everyone was tired too.

CNY eve tomorrow.

Kinda no CNY mood.

Hope that everything is not as sian as i imagine it to be bah.

My voice is super sexy-aye! :p

That's all...

Sick.MC.

2010-02-11T21:16:00.002+08:00

Sian.The only word to describe today.

Didn't go to school as i woke up with a high fever.

Having a 'man' voice too.

*Sexy aye*

Stayed at home and sleep.

Went to the doctor afterwards.

He said that it's a flu virus.

So...HECK HECK HECK.

The medicine makes me really drowsy

And feeling super sian after taking them.

GAAAAAAAAAAAH.

So, i slept most of the time today.

MC for today and tomorrow.

Wanted to go school this afternoon for the rehearsal.

But I slept and when i woke up, it was already 3.30.

So, forget it.

Received sms from them and blah blah blah.

We do not have enough cellos and this is causing lots of problems.

GAAH!

And i will be going to go school tomorrow.

I will be attending the first period only.

Have to report to music room at 8.45.:X

It will be busy for c.o.

I think

We are performing for the CNY concert.

Moving the instruments up and down is a great problem

I may not be performing as we do not have enough cello.

And i want to give Pei Wen more opportunity to perform and experience.

So i think i will not perform, but to help them out.

Ya, so i think i don't want to perform. :B

that's all I guess.

I just suck to be sick.

[i]I hope that whatever they have said are just rumours and you are not 'playing' around[/i]

又心烦，又乱

2010-02-10T23:32:00.003+08:00

我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.我很烦,我很乱.

可是，我已经比昨天好多了.

我要学会放开,相信自己!

I'm sick, still.

Everything else was okay today.

Tho i was not in a best of all mood.

I did try to make myself happier.

Missed last period of physics and chem remedial.

Due to the time-wasting rehearsal.

Yeap. A lot of things happened during the rehearsal.

C.O was in a mess!

Made Mr Ong really disappointed and had a loooong debrief.

And yeap, everyone was at fault.

Math was kind of sian.

Had E.math test, it was alright.

And before that, Mrs Lee spoke to us.

I think her words were right.Somehow touched by her.

And i hope that she is alright.

She seems so tired out and stressed up due to my class.

Hope that my class will change for the better bah.

Mrs Lee is really a nice teacher.

Rehearsal tomorrow again.

And for friday, i am only going to attend the first period for lessons.

Going to ECP on Friday too.

Looking forward to it.

I wanna see da hai.

but not going to be thrown in the da hai.

Tomorrow is a new start!

sick.sad.

2010-02-09T21:02:00.005+08:00

我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.我不开心.

Feeling sick today.

As in, I am sick today.

Headache.

Itchy throat.

Flu-ey.

Feeling cold.

Feverish.

Went to school early in the morning.

Was sitting at the study area and studying for POA.

Not really in the mood to do it

But i forced myself to do it.

Guys kept coming to irritate me. ._.

GRRR. They just can't grow up.

Spreading rumours and teasing me is what they know how to do lo. ._.

Kind of really irritated.Early in the morning.

Got to learn a truth which i hope i wouldn't know.

Sigh...

And, cheer up, HongYe!

Time seems to travel really fast today.

Especially during lessons.

Had one more period of math, so my lessons ended at 4 today.

Dean created trouble during recess again...

He is really annoying this two weeks.

I thought that he was getting better as life was peaceful during the start.

But everything got worst.

Today is the second time that Mr Chan came into our class.

This guy, never learn his lesson.

Recess was a fa xie time for me.

I am really irritated at myself.

Sometimes, i just find myself too naive.

I felt that i was suffocating.

And i feel Weak

Thanks Phil-TJS and Vilynn-mummy for trying to cheer me up.

Went back to lessons after that.

Got back A-math test results.

Not very happy with it cause i lost some marks as i couldn't finish the paper that time.

I lost marks cause i was too slowwwwwwww ._.

FREAK MAN!

C.O after that.

No cello for me, as one broke and cannot be fixed.

Lend them to the sec ones too.

That's all for my 'wonderful' day.

Tomorrow will be better, i doubt.

my heart sank really down...

2010-02-07T23:14:00.002+08:00

Much of a depressing day.

I feel depressed these few days.

My heart sank really really down.

The happenings around me...

Sigh.

Sometimes, i just wonder if this and that happened, or did not happy,maybe things would be better.

I need motivation, GAAH!

Didn't go to Faith Fighters' Fellowship (FFF) this week.

Like what i said, i need motivation.

De-motivated.

I don't know why.

But i just don't feel like going?

Maybe to me weekend is very important for resting after a long week in school.

I just feel really tired and reluctant to do.

And the activities end kinda late nowadays compared to last year.

Drains me off.

GAAAH! I'm so moody now.

I don't know why.

I just want to scream my lungs, my throat, out.

Something seems to be stuck in my throat that i don't know how to express it.

Tons of stones in my heart, causing my heart to sink.

I wanna get rid of them!

I feel really really weak.

I just don't feel like facing everyone, anyone.

I just want to hide in a corner and zi-bi.

Running away from reality again?

I don't know

*cries*

Hope CNY will help to change my mood a lil' although i am very very sian about it.

that's all bah.

10th anniversary..

2010-02-05T13:19:00.005+08:00

It was 10th anniversary yesterday...

The whole thing can be considered a success bah.

Hope that it was a memorable night for everyone.

We had rehearsal since morning.

Ran through twice before the actual thing.

I think that the audience enjoyed the thing bah, cause there were parts that was really humourous.

Mrs Karen Tan's singing was really great.

Imagine her scolding us using singing. LOL

But a lot of things happened yesterday.

Was kinda depressing.

One cello for stepped on and the bridge fell off.

It wasn't that bad and we went to fix it back.

A flute broke after that. ._.

During the concert, one cello broke again.

The pipa girls just got really impatient and careless i think.

The whole wood broke and fell off.

So..........It's a hopeless one.

ShiMin didn't get to go up after the interval cause the cello broke during the interval.

10 minutes also can have so many things happening.

Sigh.......

My heart almost jumped out for this.

Conductor screamed at us in the backstage.

BIG SIGHHHHHHHHHH!

I don't blame the person who stepped on it cause i understand that it space is really small and there were no lights for us.

BUT i am angry with the person who made the comment that it's cellist's fault for not putting the cello properly causing their sector's people to step on it.

Blood boil.

The stage was so small that we had to sqeeze gamelan, band and us. and we have a leave a big space in front of dancers, actors and actresses.

Got kinda pissed after hearing that.

I know that we cannot blame anyone, but then it's really not the cellists fault.

BIG BIG SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Was also disappointed and angry to see the girls bring their handphones up and using it on the actual performance when we already gave warning and told them not to.

BIG BIG BIG SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

And i am proud to say that i am the only performer WITHOUT make-up!

YEAH!*Twist*

All the best?

2010-02-03T20:10:00.002+08:00

Rehearsals ended early today.

GREAT!

Had full dress. & i love my hairstyle!

Cherise helped me to tie scorpion and i wanna learn how to tie it for myself.

GRRR!

Went causeway after that with jiahui.shiqiang came to look for me from his school ;]

Was eating pastamania and he kept complaining that i am slow. ._.

Slacked around and saw phil and vilynn.

Shiqiang GL me ._.

Keep laughing and laughing uh?

shoot me, suan me, whatever!

LOL

Tomorrow will be 10th anniversary.

Hope that things wrong screw up.

I think it will.

Got to put light make-up tomorrow.

I DONT WANNNNNNNNNNNT~!

My face so red le still got for what??? TSK!

LOL

Long day for me tomorrow.

Dont have to report to school, but to report to RP at 8.30 tomorrow.

Missed quite a number of lessons le.

Hope that i will catch up fast enough for the class test and common test.

I am feeling so tired.

Friday day off for EVG, Day for a good sleep!

that's all

Tired

2010-02-03T00:46:00.002+08:00

GAAH! I'm so tired.

Yesterday was the start of the week.

No rehearsal, YAY!

Went to the library and met ZhanHui in the evening.

Did math homework.

He went to old chang kee.

They have a new slogan: Blur like sotong, hot like cuttlefish.

We kept laughing at it, and obvioiusly he is thinking that it is referring to me.

LOL!

Walked home from causeway after that.

Enjoyed the cooling breeze...

Today is tuesday! DUH~

Went to mac in the morning with phil and vilynn.

I ate a slice of Opera Diva.

I took about 30 minutes to finish it?

I started off eating first, but when phil and vilynn finished they food, i still haven't finish.

._.

Went to school after that.

Had spot check

I am pro de lo.

teacher started checking from the other side of the classroom, i was cutting my nails.

waha! i didn't get caught XP

Rehearsal after that.

It was crap.

When we went there, the stage wasn't set up yet, so we waited form 2 plus to 4 plus.

We started. Had dinner.

School provided it and i didn't get :P

The rehearsal got delayed.

It ended at about 9plus 10 when we are suppose to be dismissed at 9.

This is so crap.

I thank Republic Poly for having WIFI :D

If not i will be bored to death man. :X

When you believe.

2010-01-30T12:26:00.004+08:00

Today having 50th anniversary celebration in church.

Somehow, i am not looking forward to it.

I have no idea why too.

Maybe cause i am too tired to look forward to it?

So many things that happened recently.

So many events coming up.

I a sleep debted luh~

I feel so sian.

I don't know why.

I feel sick.

I feel tired.

My body is aching due to carrying of heavy bags i think.

And also sitting in the hall and rot most of the time during rehearsals.

Thursday is 10th year.

After that will be chinese new year concert.

I hope nothing else after that le bah.

Regarding the shanghai tripped.

It's confirmed in june.

I am thinking whether i should still go for it.

So sian after so many times of postponement.

I know that it'll be a good opportunity.

But this year, school will be offering quite a number of trips.

Changchun for C.O

If i go shanghai means no changchun.

Shanghai will be better with higher chinese people bah.

I don't know.

Will think about it first bah.

When you believe- the theme song for the prince of Egypt.(moses)

Inspiring song.! <3

GAAAAAAAH

2010-01-28T19:49:00.002+08:00

Back for a quick lil' post.

This week is a tiring week for me.

Sleep after 1am these few days.

Really drained.

Next week is gonna be more hectic.

Tuesday's rehearsal until 9pm! ._.

Everything gonna end on thursday.

Hope everything would be better after that.

Really tired.

Rehearsal is a waste of time to me.

We have a total of 6 scenes and C.O is only involved in 3 of them.

The rest of the time will be idling.

Teacher is not allowing us to do homework during the idling time.

Wasn't very happy about this.

We must make good use of our time mah.

Its not that we are disturbing everything.

Next week onwards need to rehearse in RP le.

Maybe can get to see my cousins who are studying there :P

Homework is a pile nowadays.

And thanks to those irresponsible fools in my class for not filing up their chemistry files.

The whole class got punished to copy textbook.

How great.

I think my class is being very irresponsible luh.

=.=!

That's all from me i think.

I am soooooooo tired.

More homework to do!

人.

2010-01-24T20:16:00.002+08:00

做人真的很难.这也不行,那也不行.

我不可能是完美的.

我也是一个普普通通的人,就像你一样.

我是有血有肉的.

有些事情我自己也不想的.

你以为我也很好受吗?

你的那一番话对我的伤害很大,可是你永远都不会了解.

如果你真的要结果变成这样,我也无能为力.

只能默默的自己承担,向自己哭泣.

stressed.depressed

2010-01-24T19:14:00.002+08:00

Things are often out of control and i feel so helpless.

Everything seems to collapse.

Why do things have to turn out to be in this way when i don't want it to be.

Everything happens for a reason but WHAT THE HECK IS THE REASON!!

It just drills me.

Until i am sick and tired of everything.

I'm sure that everything has a limit, including me.

Why can't i just give up and leave everything behind me?

Why can't i just live in my little world?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!

A little harm can cause a scar that will stay in me forever.

A scar that can never be erased.

They always think that they do understand us,but it's always not the case.

They always think that they are doing for other own good, and from another angle, they are harming us, it's just that not many people see the harming part.

They always do things without thinking more about it.

They never knew that, somethings their actions do kill a little of our vulnerable hearts.

Somehow, i just feel that i'll really breakdown if this continues.

Being so tired after a long they in church and they are never understanding.

Coming back home at what time, is not something that we can decide as we are a group and it depends what time do the activity ends.

There is nothing much we can do about it, but why do me and sister always get this?

Why do they make it as if me and my sis went clubbing or what and came home late.

We are just serving in church.

We are tired as well, but they only look from their point of view

They never understand us, they never put themselves in our shoes.

We are always the one in wrong and no matter how hard to try to explain, we are still in the wrong!

This makes no sense, not at all.

Sometimes, going home is really a terrible place.

Maybe home is equal to a place for us to sleep and nothing else.

A place where we get back and start getting nagged after a long and tiring day.

A place where we feel sick of.

A place where we dread to step into.

Sometimes there are just things that i can't understand and this is getting out of nowhere.

I just want to be left alone.

Never ending.

2010-01-22T22:18:00.002+08:00

Life seems to be never ending.aimlessly.

Everything seems to go on and on.

Especially sad and depressing things.

I feel so excited.

I feel that the road is long.

I can't see the ending point.

Especially when we many things happen.

Really tired.

Not only physically, but also mentally.

I just need a break from all these things.

It feels like a spiral.

Its just 3 weeks of school and it feels like 30 years.

I felt like taking Mc, but i cannot let go of things bah.

Looking at the time-table, all lessons are important.

My responsibility as a student is to go to school.

I still drag myself to school.

Ended up complaining a lot.

Got really depressed these two days.

Had mindset of silly stuff.

I know i shouldn't, but it was the only thing that came to my mind.

I feel study, dump, i feel like a fool

Yeah, mrs lee said: people who made mistakes and repeat it again are fools.

So, i am a fool!

DARN!

Have to go school tomorrow, on a saturday morning.

This makes me feel so reluctant.

Sianz.

LTA Learning Journey.

2010-01-20T17:38:00.002+08:00

GAAAH.
Went to Land transport authority gallery for SS learning journey.

The gallery was small and the travelling time back and fro is like longer than the whole 'tour'

But...

The gallery amused me, or rather all of us.

Dean kept taking pictures of us, especially someone XP but we all tried now to get caught by his camera.

He just kept asking why is everyone so camera shy and blah blah blah.

But sadly to say, the problem is not in us, we are not camera, but it's because it's him.

Other than that, everything was alright bah.

And i was just emo-ing on the bus.:X

Was talking to Ms Ho during recess for a short little while.

Was telling her that i am unwilling to skip lessons, cause it's not the whole class but the few of us, we'll miss out a lot and its really going to be hard for us to catch up.

I rather not have lunch break.

After SYF intensive training's experience....

I was like sa'jiao-ing to Ms Ho :X LOL

But there is nothing much we can do.

Can only keep quiet, keep the discontentment in me,bottle up, suffocate.

Tomorrow Thursday, a looong day.

Having all subjects except for POA and English.

Bag is gonna be heavy and i think my back will break soon....

10th anniversary training starts tomorrow.

Gonna be a hectic day for me.

After training will be tuition.

After tuition reach home don't know until what time and i a sure there'll be lotsa homework, especially math cause i am having both A math and E math lessons tomorrrow.

10th anniversary ._.

2010-01-19T20:03:00.004+08:00

Sigh.

I got so depressed upon seeing the practice schedule for 10th anniversary.

GOSHHHHHH!

It's feels like it's back to SYF days.

Gotta skip lessons again and i hate it.

It's sucks laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want! I don't want!

I am so going crazy.

Teachers can never understand how hard it is to cope with studies and this kind of crap.

They only think about themselves, wanting to give the best in 10th anniversary, but they never thought that how hard it is for us to catch up after missing so many lessons.

Especially now, the starting of the year, the foundation.

Teachers can never understand how hard it is to catch up with everything.

Teachers can never understand how tiring it is to reach home in the evening and have to start chionging homework and burn the midnight oil and revise after one who day in school.

Teachers can never understand how stressful we will get to make sure that we don't neglect our studies.

I am like so depressed now.

It's like i rather not perform in 10th anniversary.

Studies is more important than me.

No point being good in cello, chinese orchestra and flunk all my studies.

Gotta double up and work extra hard this time round.

And i don't even have some time for myself.

I really gotta get a life and get out of this stupid idiotic stuff in my life!

Got back english diagnostic test result.

My class did really bad.

Almost everyone failed, including me

I failed the summary by two marks.

This is like so discouraging.

DARN!

黑暗的世界里

2010-01-18T21:38:00.002+08:00

嗨。。。

有时真的觉得自己活在一个黑暗的世界里

有时觉得自己很无助

有时有放弃的念头

有时感到很纳闷

有时真得不知所措

有时不想面对

有时却犹豫不决

有时自己的目标是什么

有时又不敢给自己设定任何目标

有时觉得自己没有远景

有时又看不到前头路

现在我所想找的

就是那一丝光，让自己看清楚前头路是怎样的

现在我所想听到的

就是那一点点的鼓励，再一次教自己加油

现在我所想有的

就是那一点点的勇气，面对下一秒，下一分

现在自己所想感受到的

就是有人在我旁边支持我，叫我不要放弃

现在自己所需要学习的

就是要知足常乐，为自己所有的而感恩

“少年不知愁滋味，为赋新词强说愁。”

Prayer of St. Francis

2010-01-17T22:28:00.003+08:00

I think this is really a beautiful song!

Sickly

2010-01-16T23:15:00.002+08:00

Had a day out today...

It's kinda random.

My phone randomly rang, and Desmond randomly asked me if i want to go to the library.

I took quite long to decide if i should go, then me and vilynn decided to go together.

We were late and we met des and phil in the library.

I felt awkward in a way, i guess.

It was cold actually, but i was lazy to wear my Jacket.

There was one boy shouting loudly in the library calling his mum and i just random answered him to myself and vilynn started laughing at me.

Heez.

The atmosphere was kinda cold.We were quite quiet, just that me and vilynn kept laughing.

vilynn spent like 2 hours plus on one a.math question and i was trying to help her too.

We made so many careless mistake and i got irritated. ._.

Called ShiQiang to the rescue, cause i was stuck at one question.

Heez.

Headache came to attack after a while and i started covering my face :X

I felt unwell, but i kept quiet.

Went to eat lunch after that.

We couldn't decide where to eat and Phil decided in the end.

HAAH!

i refused to eat.

No face given :X

They were forcing me to eat. ._.

ROARRRRRRR!

And i ate one waffle fries and drank one cup of ice lemon tea.

We went minitoons and comics connection after that.

They were joking around at minitoons

and vilynn knocked her head at comics connection and i started laughing at her.

She is much more silly compared to me norh!

LOL! :P

Went to timezone after that.

I was really sian.really very sian.

I didn't want to play.I was just standing there.

Played air hockey once and i was sian.

I was kinda stoning. :X

Went back soon after that cause we didn't know where to go and i was really unwell.

Came home and got to go out soon after that.

Went to Ikea.

._. It was so crowded and i am so tired.

And came back after like 4 hours ? :X

And here i am, being soooooooo tired.

DANGGGGGGGGG! I am sick. :(

MAO LAAAAAA!

2010-01-12T20:14:00.007+08:00

MAO LAAAAAA!

Mixed feelings.

I don't know how should i feel.

Sad,Angry,Depressed or what?!

Definitely not happy. :X

POA lessons are getting more boring.

Yeah,Melvin Chua doesn't like me.

Kept tekan-ing me during lessons.

MAO LAAAAA!

Somethings made me feel really disrespected.

What am I?

I got my pride no matter what de kayz.

The more i think about it,

The more unhappy i get.

Sigh.

I really not looking forward to life manz.

Don't even talk about tomorrow.

Even the next minute.

I AM SO NOOOOOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT!

SUCKSSSSS CAN?!!!!?!?!

我的心里好乱好乱，当我发现到事实的时候，我的心就像沉下大海似的。

我自己也不知道为什么我有那一种的感觉，可是，无论怎样，我想是人都会有自尊吧?

你到底有没有尊重我的？你到底有没有把我放在眼里?你到底有没有考虑过我的感受？

我感到很失望。。。

Give up?

2010-01-11T21:46:00.004+08:00

Reaching towards the end of the day,

Looking at it, and It's still stuck on Monday.

At this point of time,

I just feel that time is really going real slow.

There is still like 4 more days of school till the end of the week,

It's just one day and everything seems to be so tiring.

Weekends always seems so short,

And yet, school days are always never ending.

Concert date is getting nearer,

Test and quizzes are all coming up.

Coping with everything seems to be really tough,

CCA, School work, and also not forgetting about relaxing.

I sometimes wonder, why can't time be paused.

It would be better if we can rewind, fast foward, stop, pause.

If only Ctrl+Z can work in real life.

If only there is such things as undo.

Looking back really makes me regret, a lot.

Yeap, maybe i should stop looking behind and move on.

But, WHERE IS THE MOTIVATION!?

GRRR! I am not motivated.

Giving up?

It has been stucked in my head for a looooong time.

But can i really give up?

What are the Consequences of giving up?

I just don't want to face anything, anyone anymore.

It comforts me more when there's no one there for me when i need one bah...

It just give me an excuse for myself.

I am really confused at this point of time.

每一次默默的
放弃某个心仪已久却无缘份的朋友
放弃某种投入却无收获的事
放弃某种心灵的期望
放弃某种思想。。
这时就会生出一种感伤……
然而这种感伤并不妨碍我们去重新开始。。。
曾经有种感觉，想让它成为永远
过了一段时间
发现它已渐渐消逝
后来就悟出
原来握在手中的不一定就是我们真正拥有的
我们所拥有的也不一定就是我们真正铭刻在心的。。
明白的人懂得放弃，
幸福的人懂得牺牲！
当若干年后我们知道自己喜欢的人生活得很好
我们就会很满足。。

放弃不是后退，
只是为了新的目标作出了另外的选择而已。
人生本就是不断的追求，
同时不停的放弃。
我们会像往常一样
向生活的深处走去
我们会像往常一样
逐步放弃，又逐步坚定。。。
一微笑
一挥手
一转身
眼泪在背后哭泣。。
也许我真的应该
应该决定……
从此，誓守这份美丽。。。

Am i like...going to break down?

How long can i hang in there?

SIgh..........................

2010-01-10T17:30:00.002+08:00

Monday tomorrow.

Sigh.

Weekends seems to be short when there will be school on Monday.

I don't want to be to school.I don't want to face the classmates,the friends, the teachers,everything! GRRRRR! This sucks la.

Still got tian'shi yu fan'ren haven't write.

E.math weekend homework not done yet.

I am still procrastinating.

I really hate school.

Hate the class,the people, the homework, the events, the environment, the happenings and everything!

I-am-so-moody!

I don't know why too.As in, actually i know why but ya......

I am super confused.

I wanna scream.

I miss ECP, I miss the da hai.

I need someone to be here for me all the time.To share my ups and down, but no one is there for me.Sometimes it sucks.It sucks to carry all these things on my shoulders alone, all the time, with no encouragements.It just makes me wanna give up.Give everything all up.Just leave the world, everything behind me.

Sometimes, death, hiding, not facing reality sounds like a better solution.A better solution for everything.Imagine how great things will get.Hoping and praying that nothing more will happen, and that there is no more 'blows' coming.

I feels so tiring.

Anyway, 'O' levels result coming out tomorrow.All the best peeps and i have faith and confidence in my sista la.She sure can get into her DPA and report to school on 13th laaaaa!Oh ya, she doesn't seems to give a shit to it.I think she also got confidence la.Since the results is already set, so no point for her to get worried, anxious, excited or whatever about it cause nothing can be done.

That's all for me bah.

I got no mood for everything.

I am SAD! D:

Bad day;CCA orientation.

2010-01-09T22:40:00.004+08:00

Had CCA orientation today.

A tough job, indeed.

Everything was so last minute.Got called back to school yesterday evening to settle the booth thing.Thought everything won't be as bad, but it turned out to be crap.Nah, not really what i expected.Kinda disappointed.

Last minutes changes like location, timing and stuff.

We got the whole orchestra down, we played some songs la, but then i didn't play.Ask walking around the school to 'advertise' but it wasn't my role actually.

Most parents have good impression of us, but the parents are interested, not the child.Felt like asking the parents to join, ridiculous, but they interested mah, we need members mah, ask the parents to come down on Tuesday and Thursday la XP

I think we didn't do a great job la, though our performance was not bad cause we didn't have any rehearsals. It was just so last minuteeeeeeee!

Chatted with Mr Su and Mr Lee when we were quite slack le.Complaint to them and Mr su is really lamez. DIAOZZ!Then i told Mr Lee that i don't like the class la.Yeap, i was a total different person compared to last year. Not enthu anymore.Not at all.It affects me la, i don't enjoy school, not at all.I am sad!

Wasn't in the mood at all.Was being stubborn, ridiculous and whatever you say.ShiQiang got pissed cause i didn't eat [I think] then got emo, in church, everywhere,anywhere.I DONT KNOW LA! tears, dimming my eyes.I don't know.I am confused, i am unhappy, i am sad.I am discouraged, i am disappointed.I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO LAAAAAAAAAA!

*sobs*

No one can understand, no one would understand me, no one will understand me.Maybe my attitude wasn't right, but i just didn't want to listen to her.If she wants, do it herself and not command me to do it bah.I know that there are reasons for you to ask me to do that, but i simply don't want.

Was rather, not being my usual self in church.Emo-ing in fact.AIKBINNNNNNNNNNA! sigh.....I don't know la.I was just tired? maybe, or an excuse? There are so much that is happening that i don't feel like bothering.It's not my problem, but why am i into them? WHY?!?!?! I hate it, seriously.I am always saying that i am tired, but no one has actually though of why am i always that tired.Not physically, but mentally.

I am always optimistic, but i am really trying hard to think positive le.Is like it doesn't help at all.Nothing.Not at all.No one cares anyway.Like I said, no one would bother.Just let me there, on my own, disappear and no one notices.

Sigh......I don't wanna say so much le.I just don't want to face anyone,anything. D:

school

2010-01-06T22:07:00.004+08:00

School has started.

Kind of busy on the first three days of school.Time passes kinda fast.Kinda working hard this time round.Books are heavy, days are long, lessons are tiring, work load is heavy!

Went home late since the first day of school.Lessons ends at 3.15 every monday and tuesday.Yesterday was Drained! I walked out of the gate at 7.30 laaaa!

Serene joining me tuition tomorrow, YAY! Problem with arranging my dental appointment. Pausing piano lesson for the moment. So many changes....

4th Feb 10th anniversary. Intensive training on the last week on Jan. Needa go back to school on this saturday cause got orientation. Needa run class by class tomorrow.

My cello members giving me problem ._. Want quit then don't join la. Cause so much trouble!

So many to do. Making my IC on 25th Jan. That's the coming up bah. Heavy bag tomorrow :( Tiring school!

Have been in pain recently, especially my hand.I think i use too much strength to write.OUCH! It's kinda irritating to write with a hurting hand, but i don't want to wear the guard.Having P.E tomorrow, hope i won't hurt it even further!

I feel so reluctant to go to school all of a sudden! I feel so tired, physically and mentally. Staying back, homework, carrying heavy bags, sitting still on the chair for hours. Recess flooded with so many people. Hanging there, making sure that my mind don't go to lalaland during any part of the lesson. Trying to put on a smile all the time. GOSHHHHHHHHHH!

低落.

2010-01-02T21:44:00.002+08:00

低落.

心里常带着那承重的感觉.有时也不知为什么.我只感到我的脸好承重,使得我不能笑.

有时觉得自己受到很多委屈似的,有时真的很想不要面对任何事情.

有时,我真的真的不知道为什么事情都会变成这样.

我觉得没有人能体会我.

我觉得没有人能了解我.

我觉得好无奈.......

连我自己也不懂该怎么办了. >:(

有谁能听到我的心声?

我好纳闷.

我好无奈.

我好无助哦.

有谁能听到我的求救声?

到底有谁能听到我的心声?

有谁能够体会我?

有时,我好怀疑自己几时会奔溃.

过着那么累,那么压力重重的生活,我到底能曾多久?

有时我觉得我唯一能够做的就是躲在一旁哭泣.....

2009

2010-01-02T00:40:00.003+08:00

This year is kinda a sad year for me, last year i meant.

A year when i realised that i no longer know myself.A year when i realised that i am all alone by myself.

I felt that life is all in black and white.Life is no longer interesting to me.

I felt helpless.I felt lonely.I felt that i have no one to turn to.I felt very stressed up too.

There was once that i didn't want to face to reality.There was once that i want to face the world no more.There was once that i just want to close myself in my room.There was once that i just want to be in my own world.There was once that i just want to end my own world.

I hated life.I hated school.I hated myself.I hated everything.I hated promises.I hated when people says try.I hated disappointments.

I was depressed.I was fearful.

Even going to school was something horrifying too.There were days when i go to school and hide in the toilet to cry.There were days when i was totally quiet in school.There were days when i was angry with everything including myself.There were days when i felt like hurting myself to vent everything out.

I had all unhealthy thoughts in me.I no longer share my feelings and thoughts with anyone.I felt that no one understands me.I felt that i am an alien to everyone.I felt that i am useless.I felt like a rubbish found in the rubbish dump.

Sometimes, i even wondered why did my parents give birth to me.Sometimes, i question God, WHY?! Sometimes, i blame God for things that happened.Sometimes, i was really speechless.Sometimes, i was too tired to bother about anything.Sometimes, i just kept myself in my own world.I was depressed most of the time of the year.

I really hope that 2010 will be better.I hope that 'hope', that little light in my heart won't be blown off.I don't want life to be so discouraging.I no longer want to be so pessimistic.I am very tired of leading a life which is full of sorrows... D:

New Year's day!

2010-01-01T19:11:00.003+08:00

Its the first day of 2010.

I think i shall post about the last day of 2009.

Didn't get to post yesterday as i wasn't at home yesterday.

Started the day really sian, with math tuition.Had test...hm...LOL!

Then went out to Jurong Point with mummy.It's nothing much actually,got to soft toys.I felt so crazy.Head to AngMoKio with BEANNNNNN after that.We met for dinner and coincidentally, her family was there too, so we went to join them at the S11 inside.I didn't eat as usual.

I went to her house after that.Was using her iMac as usual.Ate the curry puff her mum made,not bad la, though BEANNNNNN being so straightforward, told her mum that its not really nice ._. We went to church being crazy with the tortise i got from minitoons.We were indirectly holding hards, BEANNNNNN, MEEEEEEEEEEE and HUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! LOL.Was really high.Being really weird.

We were slacking in the office, making lots of noise with the same group of people playing Bang! =.= We started late.Went sharing.And we didn't get to go up to see the fireworks and count down as we started late.It doesn't actually.I didn't really share what i have in my mind cause i didn't want to.Was tired right after the sharing, but there is still the night game.The games-in-charge took 1 hour for the preparation, meanwhile, i went to sleep in the office.TIRED!

For the game, i was lost most of the time, trying to look for chances to sit, sleep, stone, slack.No one win cause the game is too difficult.So...Yeah. No one won.We ended the game at 4.30, debrife and everything, 5, not in the evening, but in the morning.TIRED! then the peeps said that they are hungry, so took orders and went to RK house with BEANNNNNN, MEEEEEEEEEEE and HUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! with da bao for them.Came back, sang through the choir song with daphne then the peeps went to play bang while me, trying hard to sleep at the corner of the room.Slept for about one hour plus and got woke up for breakfast.My brain was dead then and i was like being really SOTONG ._.

That was the day.Went home slept until like 5 plus.and i am still TIRED!

I will post another post on the reflection of the year and resolution bahhhh.

Youth arise camp.

2009-12-30T21:01:00.003+08:00

Just camp back from camp.
I have just attended this camp call the youth arise camp @ chin lien seminary. They have this camp once every two years and this is their second camp. I didn't attend the first out though.

I Enjoyed this camp!

Though there wasn't much playing. Within the two and a half days, we had 3 workshops, 2 sermons and a Question and Answer section.

We also split into groups for devotion [Quiet Time]. Within the group can only have the maximum of two people from the same church, so i was with Joyce. We played a spongebob game to split into groups.The game was kinda lameee.

We were reading on the whole book of Titus for the devotion.It tells us how to be a good leader in church and also the qualities, the character that we must carry in us.Huang Guo Qiang Chuan Dao was my group's leader, and he is good.He explained the things to us very clearly.

For the workshops, we split into two. one is for people who are not serving in anything in the church and another one is for people who are serving in the church.I went for the second one and Zhang Ke Fu mu shi was the speaker.He also no bad luhh. We gave us pointers that we must take note. And he told us something like 80% and 20% like 20% is the amount of effort we put in and 80% is the result that we get. And he also told us that we must look into our strengths and serve in what we are good in, not just that few people who serve and they do all sorts of things.I think this applies in my church, cause the people who are serving is always the same few people.

Sermon was good and the last sermon, Pastor Chen Zhi Qiang pray for us for shen ling cong man and see if God got call us to serve him, to be his full time ministry and we got to fill us a form.I think he is good, he is very convincing and even for Q&A section, he answers the question with the support of the bible, though we didn't have time to answer all the questions but the camp is really very beneficial.

They also provide very good food.We have 4 choices each meal and we can pick any that we like and we even had BBQ on the second night.They also fixed aircon in the dorms for us and also add in mirror too.They do provide us with mattress too.The only thing that i am not satisfied with is the toilet and that's all!

For the second night, we were playing with some guys and two girls from another church.Forgot their church's name but its near YewTee.We played a few games and turn in only at 1 plus.Had a better night compared to the first night.

And,

AIK BIN-AAAAAAA! Why you neh come? I got lotssssssss to tell you nah!

Busy.

2009-12-27T21:54:00.003+08:00

Back for a post!

Christmas week, was quite busy bah.

Thursday was eve and had tuition in the morning.

Went to town when GaryLoh and guys, was quite rushed for me as i had to reach church by 4.30 to practice.

Bugis was super pack! DUH~

Caroling was so-so. Better than last year's

It ended quite early and was super sian.

So, we suggested to visit Edson since he just went for an operation.

We sang in his place with the pull choir strength which turns out to be nice.

Christmas was whole day out.

Morning service.

Had lunch and celebrated pastor's 70th anniversary.

After that we, the youths, went to YF room to watch cloudy and meatball.

We wanted to watch a movie, but we didn't want to go to town or somewhere to squeeze with so many people.

And it is also quite hard to get tickets for movies too.

After that, they played a few rounds of bangs, them except me cause i don't like it.

I know i am weird :X

We went to pepperoni's pizza [I think i spelled it wrongly]

And we had extra 'funds' for it, so we went to island creamery for ice-cream.

Great day, but tiring.

This week is the last week of the year.

Next week 2010 le.

Had YPM for YF and graduation for sunday school today.

I AM PROMOTED!

LOL!

Went shopping with sister after choir.

I think maybe this is our first time going shopping alone, just the both of us.

Happy!

Got her something, e belated Christmas present.

Was trying to get something for me, but wasn't able to get something i like.

Told her to take her time to shop for me.

HAAH! FUN!

Yeah, that's about it for this week.

Having camp on monday to wednesday

Watch night on 31st in church, a staying over

Weekend and sec 3 like starts!

blessed christmas

2009-12-25T23:25:00.002+08:00

I know i am a bit late, or maybe, very late, but before today ends....

BLESSED CHRISTMAS!

grumpy day D:

2009-12-22T23:06:00.002+08:00

Had a grumpy day today D:

My head hurts badly and nahh.

Forget it! I am just now in the mood.

blessings!

2009-12-22T00:48:00.002+08:00

Counting my blessings...

*1. I am a sotong.

*2. I am known as a sotong

*3. I like to sa jiao.

*4. I am always being a joker to everyone

*5. I bring smiles to people.

*6. I am silly.

*7. You're cute when you make silly mistakes

*8, I bring laughter to people when i make silly mistakes

*9.I'm epic.

*10. I am stupid, thus allowing the people around me to be clever

*11. I am very smart, I just dowan to admit.

*12. I am funny

*13. I like to make spelling mistakes!

*14. I am crazy

*15. You can see

*16. I managed to snatch some oxygen in the air while competiting with so many people every seconds

*17. I can hear.

*18. I am an alto, cause if i can sing high pitch, the glass will break

...........And many many more. LOL!

SIAN!

2009-12-21T18:06:00.002+08:00

Happiness?

Happiness- a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment,love satisfaction, pleasure or joy.

To just realize that happiness is actually very simple,Its just that we or perhaps me who takes it so hard.I always thought that it is a very hard thing to achieve happiness, till then, i realized that it is actually a very simple thing.

Maybe we should really count our blessings.I think the blessings that we received is countless.The food that we get to eat;The clothes we get to wear;The drinks that we get to drink;The money that we get to spend;The music that we get to enjoy;The Drama that we get to watch;The books that we get to read;The radio that we get to hear;The bed that we get to sleep on;The friends and family whom are always by our side to comfort, cheer and care for us;

I am sure there are many many more.

Think this is something everyone has to learn, including myself. Sometimes we as human just tend to look at the negative side of something. This often makes us grumpy, causing us to be unhappy about life. Maybe we should try looking at things from different angle.

I think towards the end of the year, i should really sit down and list down my blessings and learn to stop complaining.

Packed.

2009-12-20T21:14:00.003+08:00

Christmas week, meaning 2 weeks of holiday left.

Kinda sian......seriously, SIAN!

Will be quite packed this week, think cause its Christmas week.

Monday to Wednesday, guess i will be going down primary school to help out.

Thursday, tuition 10-12 in the morning then caroling, have to reach church by 4.30.

Friday, Christmas service and guess will find some programme for myself.

Saturday, YF YPM and sisters' fellowship in the evening

Sunday, normal service cum choir.

Monday to Wednesday, camp.

Thursday, Watch night

Friday, public holiday for me to recharge bah.

Saturday, should have YF or some programme.

Sunday, normal service cum choir

Monday, School re-open.DANNNG!

This should be the plan and i feel so dead ._.